


confident

by kusukiluv



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Autistic Ushijima Wakatoshi, Awkward Flirting, Bullying, Fluff, High School, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence, Pining Tendou Satori, Pining Ushijima Wakatoshi, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27245611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kusukiluv/pseuds/kusukiluv
Summary: in which tendou loves teasing the new foreign student, ushijima, just a little too much
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 80
Kudos: 210





	1. olive boy

**Author's Note:**

> hi !! this is my First ever haikyuu fic and im so excited to be sharing it with u guys!!<3 this is gonna be an enjoyable read, hopefully ! so pls enjoy hehe

ah, the third year of highschool. this is it. this is where it all ends. the endless late night studying, the monotonous teasing from people in the corridors, the ridiculously high expectations from the teachers, and the volleyball. 

well, tendou actually had another year left; another year of studying, and bullying and teachers and volleyball. but this was the last year. and he could not feel any more relieved than he was on his first day back. the blossoming trees and blue skies mirrored his smiley self as he waltzed into the building, ready to start his final year at shiratorizawa.

"semisemi!" tendou called, seeing his friend linger in the corridors, leaned against his locker door.

"hey, how come you're so early today?" eita asked, shifting his weight from the locker back onto his two feet as he tugged on his backpack on his shoulder. 

"it's the first day back! what do you expect?" tendou smiled from ear to ear, his eyes glistening in the school's light. it was unusual for him to be this happy on a school day.

"i expected a rant about how you have to go through another day of hell." eita snickered, drawing an elbow from his red-headed friend. "come on, let's go unpack and go to class."

tendou decided he was going to remain smiley throughout the entire day, he wouldn't let anything get to him. this was going to be a good day. so when the head teacher called for him through the speaker, tendou froze. 

he could very clearly hear the giggles and whispers in the classroom of people wondering why he would be called to the head office, most of them coming up with the most awful reasons why. 

however, this was tendou's good day, nothing was going to break him today. nothing was going to make him scramble to the bathroom and cry his eyes out until they burned. not today. so he drew out a sigh, pushed his chair out to get up, and marched his way to the office with his head high: an action tendou likes to do when he feels confident. 

the office greeted tendou with a very unexpected situation; a situation which included a tall, lean, probably very muscular olive-haired boy. confused to say the least, tendou dropped his confident manner to bow to the head teacher before he sat down on the chair provided, right next to olive boy. 

"thank you for coming, tendou-kun." the air was still, olive boy literally didn't move an inch. his gaze remained fixed on tendou which was extremely intimidating, causing tendou to inwardly freak out. why on earth was this boy staring at him? 

"i've called you here today to introduce you to our new student all the way from canada." now, tendou hasn't been to anywhere else other than japan, but he most certainly knows that canadians do not look anything like olive boy. olive boy was japanese, what the hell is the head teacher on about? tendou glanced at olive boy, catching his eyes for a quarter of a second only to realise that they were almost - if not exactly - the same colour as his hair. hm, he really is olive boy.

"hello," olive boy started, drawing a very visible shocked reaction from tendou at the deepness of his voice. god, was it deep. it sounded so rich, so stern and strong, it made him seem ten times bigger than he already was. "i'm ushijima wakatoshi." yeah, definitely japanese.

"tendou satori." he smiled, placing out his hand only for it to be swallowed by olive boy's enormous man-hands, tendou could feel the roughness of his palms, it was almost bone-crushing. was he a sportsperson too?

"now, ushijima-kun, tendou-kun is a very clever student." tendou very quickly clicked at how slow the head teacher was speaking, spreading each syllable out as if he were talking to a deaf person. "he is a straight A student, and is especially good at english." huh? tendou whipped his head at olive boy, and then back at the head teacher. what has english got to do with any of this? "so, tendou-kun, i would like to ask if it's okay with you to take care of ushijima-kun for a few, let's say weeks. help him to settle in, teach him new phrases and traditions. what do you say?" tendou was speechless, olive boy couldn't speak japanese? so, he was brought up in canada from when he was born?

"of course, sir. i'd be grateful to." obedience to teachers was something that came natural to tendou, and something that he took seriously. fucking hell, who would want to babysit a japanese-looking-canadian the size of him? definitely not tendou, but if the head teacher himself is asking him, he's not going to sit there and say no. not to his face anyway. 

"thank you, tendou-kun." olive boy's stern voice sent tingles down tendou's spine, how he wished he had a voice as deep as that. a voice that made him sound so well-put together, so terrifying, so confident. 

the walk back to class was awkward, to say the least. it consisted of tendou taking subtle glances at the one inch taller boy who, simply because of his broad shoulders, stern face and deep voice, seemed about ten inches taller than him. the latter watched how olive boy walked through the halls, his body barely moving, the pace of his feet regular, his chest still, his arms remained at his sides. he was like a robot. so damn interesting.

when tendou walked in class with olive boy walking behind him, it drew an uncomfortable amount of attention. everyone was staring at the latter, their eyes moving from his face to his body. tendou awkwardly shifted to the back of the class, handing eita an "i'll explain later" look. olive boy quietly followed, his body funnily not large enough to squeeze past the desks as he fumbled with the tables, his thighs pushing them out of the way to get right to the back of the room and sit next to tendou. 

when he sat down, tendou watched as he failed to make himself comfortable, his legs and ass way too large to fit on the chair, and his torso way too tall for the table to be a reasonable height for him to write and lean on. the red head couldn't help but giggle at olive boy, finding his misfortune hilarious. 

"you should ask for a bigger chair," he whispered, after watching poor olive boy struggle for a fat five minutes, before he finally felt bad. 

"i would….but…." his japanese was slow, and it had a small foreign accent to it, which tendou found oddly amusing. "do they have bigger ch..air?" the uncertainty of the way he pronounced 'chair' was evident in the way his voice almost cracked, which made tendou wonder what olive boy would sound like if he was speaking english. would he be confident? or as shy and as tiny as he seemed at this moment? 

"i don't know, maybe they'll give you a teacher's chair." tendou shrugged, eyeing olive boy's eyes to see if he understood what he said. he didn't. "yes, they do." he nodded, giving olive boy a thumbs up to which he returned with a subtle smile. 

"so you're babysitting him?" eita couldn't help but laugh at the red head. "wow, not such a perfect first day back, is it?" 

tendou sighed, pulling the zip up on his pants after he finished peeing. "it's not that bad, actually. he's just...silent, really." 

eita nodded, zipping his pants too before heading to the sink. "the girls were all eyeing him in class, did you see nozomi-san? she was basically drooling at his dick, dude." eita cringed, his body shaking probably at the thought of someone doing that to him.

"well, with his height and body he probably does have a big dick." tendou shrugged, washing his hands in the sink.

eita sighed dramatically, "it's okay, tendou. size doesn't matter." before going into a crazy fit of laughter, smacking the edge of the sink. 

tendou joined in, jokingly slapping him. "oi! you just saw me piss, you liar! who said my dick is small?" 

"i never said-"

"hello?" that familiar deep voice echoed through the bathroom, cutting eita and tendou's conversation. tendou smiled sarcastically at eita, to which the latter couldn't help but laugh at before they both turned to olive boy who had his head peeping through the door.

"is it lunch, now?" he asked, before deciding that it was too weird to stand in the doorway and he walked in. 

tendou nodded, not really knowing what else to say. olive boy wasn't really easy to talk to, and tendou found it easy to talk to anyone who was willing to talk to him. but olive boy was very picky with his words, only saying what was necessary, and tendou still hadn't figured out if that was either his lack of japanese, his personality, or the fact that he had only known tendou for about three hours. 

"okay." olive boy said, before making his way to the toilet which drew a very loud gasp and a harsh elbow bump from eita.

"what?!" tendou whispered loudly. 

"his dick! we'll see his dick." 

"what, you just want to go and stare?" 

"no let's pretend we need to pee, too."  
although the idea was stupid, tendou was very curious to see how large olive boy was too.

and to say that they weren't disappointed would be an understatement. both boys were gawking at each other, making olive boy visibly uncomfortable. 

the end of the day had arrived, as tendou stretched out his arms before he kicked some of the fallen petals on the ground like a child. this grew a few laughs here and there, but tendou had a good day today, the teachers had gone easy on him, there were no assigned homeworks or tests, people were talking about and staring at olive boy instead of him, and now he can go and play volleyball. 

volleyball. the one thing that makes tendou feel like he's standing on top of the world. the one thing that makes tendou feel powerful, unstoppable, and confident. the one thing where tendou can use his freaky little face and his annoying little voice and put it to good use. the one thing where he thrives to see people get mad and upset with him. the one thing that makes him different from everybody else. his guess blocking makes him seem like a demon, like he's the king of the court. and he's absolutely in love with it.

skipping to the volleyball club room, tendou felt a presence behind him. stopping to turn around, he saw it was olive boy. giggling, he said "hey, it's the end of the day. you don't have to follow me anymore. go to your dorm room." olive boy didn't say anything back, a confused look on his face which gave tendou the idea of testing out his english skills. 

"you don't have to follow me! i'm going to volleyball!" he too, embarrassingly, sounded like he was talking to a deaf person the way he spoke. his words pronounced a lot longer than they should be.

olive boy answered in english, to tendou's surprise. "i'm going to try out for the volleyball club." what he said went completely over tendou's head, as he couldn't help but admire how amazing olive boy sounded when he spoke english. it was so smooth, so natural, so confident. if tendou was a girl, he would have fallen for him right then and there. maybe even begged to be taken to his house and thrown on his bed.

"huh?" 

olive boy returned to using japanese, thinking that tendou didn't understand him. "me...trying... volleyball." with the confidence lost from his voice, tendou heard him properly this time. 

olive boy? a volleyball player? do they even have volleyball in canada? and what, he thinks just because he's so tall and so big, he can try out for the club? tendou has seen many big boys try out for volleyball thinking they can become the ace simply because of their size, and he has seen many leave dissatisfied. and so, understandingly, he thought olive boy was going to be just another one of them.

he hadn't admitted it yet, but olive boy had a lot of things tendou was slightly jealous of: a charmingly handsome face, mysterious eyes, a defined muscular body, a deep voice, a large penis - the list could go on. however, one thing tendou was positive he had that olive boy didn't, was his skills in volleyball. tendou knew olive boy would try out to be the wing spiker, it was so typical for big boys like him. tendou predicted how sloppy his aims were going to be, how slow his timings were going to be, how messy his footwork was going to be. maybe he'll be okay at blocking with his height, maybe. 

"so, i'm setting to a big boy again, huh? why can't they make shirabu do this stuff?" eita sighed, the same prediction tendou had of olive boy's talent in his head.

"it's because you're the best, semisemi." tendou grinned, with a sarcastic thumbs up and an eerily large smile.

"tch, shut up. hey, you better rock it out there to make it up for your tiny dick." this drew loud laughs from both the boys again.

curiously, tendou took his eyes off his opponents in front of him to watch olive boy during the try outs match. his eyes followed the ball as it made its way into eita's hands, before it got tossed right in front of-

silence.

the way his feet lifted from the ground, his arms moving back to just the right position so effortlessly as if he'd done it a thousand times, his eyes watched the ball before he fiercely dragged his arm to hit the ball at the exact moment and then… the perfect spike. the most aggressive spike tendou had ever seen in his life. a spike that looked like it'd break his pretty little fingers if he attempted to block it. 

he wasn't just a big boy. he was definitely a wing spiker.

the stares made olive boy noticeably shy, as he fiddled with his thumbs while looking down, waiting for someone to say something.

"WAAAAH! what was that, ushijima-kun?! you-you blew me away!" now, tendou might be quiet in the school walls and around his classmates, but around the volleyball team, he is the loudest. the real tendou is allowed to shine at the volleyball team which he really appreciates and loves. he loves that he can act like himself around boys who share the same passion as him.

"a-a spike?" olive boy brought his hand to the back of his head, which made it look like he wasn't used to receiving such compliments. all of a sudden, the room blasted into roars of the team members and first-years who were trying out. everyone having questions for olive boy and desperately wanting him on the team straight away.

tendou stood still, feeling a little empty. he's even good at volleyball, he's literally perfect. the one thing tendou thought he had that pretty olive boy didn't, was volleyball. and even worse, olive boy was probably going to end up become something like an ace with his power. the ace of shiratorizawa. how miserable.

"what position is you, tendou-kun?" olive boy asked, him next to tendou all of a sudden. everyone was watching them, visibly jealous at how olive boy was talking to tendou and not them. 

"middle blocker!" he shouted, in a sing-songy kind of way, with his finger wavering in the air. "and by the way, it's 'what position are you?' not 'is you'." olive boy chuckled, the closest thing tendou had seen to an expression from him all day. his eyes disappeared as he did, which made tendou see olive boy as kind of small again. 

"i want to see." he said, his sentence flowing a lot better, he actually sounded japanese too which is good. 

"of course you'll see. just wait until someone tries to hit a spike. i'll follow their eyes, and trap the ball, and watch-" tendou paused, not wanting to scare olive boy into thinking he was a freak just yet.

"yes, i can't wait." 

that was the closest thing they'd had to a conversation all day.


	2. showers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 is out !! hopefully next chapter will be longer sorry :( 
> 
> thank u so much for the support on the last chapter, i hope this doesn't disappoint !

reon lifted his pace, his eyes following the ball as it was received, and then tossed right in front of him. he jumped off the ground at the right moment, before connecting his hand to the ball with his eyes looking at the perfect spot to hit it at.

however, tendou was following his eyes, and not the ball, as he easily read where reon was aiming to spike. his arms moved to the left, the wind moving with him. tendou couldn't help but smirk, the satisfaction of blocking the ball and seeing reon's frown getting to his head. 

the ball was spiked, only for it to bounce against tendou's long arms and land back on the floor. reeking with pride, tendou laughed, before dancing around the court. 

"see, first years? this is what we expect you to grow into!" he chimed, twirling around.

"wow, that was very int..ense." tendou couldn't help but smirk at olive boy's compliment. it felt good coming from someone as perfect as him. even if he struggled to pronounce the word intense, tendou still took it to heart. but he wasn't going to let olive boy know that, god no. 

instead, he put his hands on his hips, closed his eyes with his head high and said, "of course it was! what did i tell you!" this the only thing that made tendou confident - volleyball.

lying down on his bed, tendou waited for eita to arrive so that he could tell him all about olive boy without the potential of him listening. he thought about their interactions, trying to piece together what type of person he was, but it was so hard because he only got to see so little of him even if he had been stuck to him all day.

"so, the ace of shiratorizawa, ushijima wakatoshi, is in your hands." eita grunted, as he climbed onto tendou's bed which was the top bunk. he sat across from him, waiting to hear more about olive boy.

"i don't know what you want me to say, like i said, he's silent." tendou shrugged, actually struggling with what to say about olive boy. "he's shy, and awkward, and overly polite," he rolled his eyes at that one. "he only speaks when he has to." 

"well, that's because it's only been a day. what about girls, has anyone asked him out yet?" 

tendou stifled a laugh, "nozomi-san tried, but he didn't understand what she said." 

"no way? what did he say?"

"he looked at me and asked me to translate, but nozomi-san is a whore, he's   
way too innocent for her." 

"wow, already looking out for him?"

tendou sighed, looking up, thinking about how he'll have to do things like that for the next few weeks. how annoying. 

"i can't believe he's that good at volleyball, though. it's, like, not fair at all." eita sighed too.

"i know! he literally has everything. there has to be something he's bad at."

"yeah, you need to find that out or else we're practically useless since volleyball's the only thing we've got." this slightly irritated tendou.

"no. volleyball is the only thing i've got, you have your perfect hair and face." 

eita snorted, "okay, i'm sorry."

now tendou was more than determined to find a weakness of olive boy.

it was the next day, and tendou opened his dorm room door so that he could go shower and start his day calmly. however, the sight in front of the door was not what he expected, or how he expected to start his day. 

it was olive boy.

"hello? how can i help you?" he asked, in english, because he didn't have the energy to speak baby japanese. 

"please don't speak to me in english, i want to practice my japanese as much as possible. only use english if i don't understand you, please." he mumbled, his voice groggy and raspy. how was it even deeper and sexier than before? absolutely not fair. not fair at all.

tendou yawned, before scratching his scalp and leaning against his door frame. it was 5am, he wasn't in the mood for dealing with olive boy at 5am. "i'm sorry. why are you here?" it was then he noticed the towel and shampoo bottles in olive boy's hands - he wanted to shower too.

"i can't find the shower. i was going to wait until you awake, but you wake up early, like me." olive boy said, still expressionless and stoic. 

letting out an overly dramatic sigh, tendou grabbed his stuff and muttered a quiet "follow me" before heading off to the shared showers. 

the reason tendou wakes up so early to shower, is because he doesn't want to shower around anybody else. he hates it. he hates the feeling of somebody seeing him completely bare and naked, not only did he find it disgusting, but also extremely embarrassing. 

tendou was oddly silent, because he was questioning what to do. should he leave olive boy at the showers and go? or should he build up the courage to shower with him? what if he tells olive boy not to look, will he listen? frustrated, tendou started to become a little agitated, and it was becoming obvious from his furrowed brows and quivering top lip. 

"what's the matter?" olive boy asked, to tendou's surprise. the red head lifted his gaze to see olive boy almost completely naked, with just his shorts on. still a little nervous, tendou realised how heavy the taller boy's gaze was, how he stopped in his tracks to ask him if he was okay. this made tendou growl to himself, this was even more embarrassing than being naked. he'd rather shower next to olive boy than have him stare at him like he's helpless.

"aah, nothing." he answered, waving his hand in the air in dismissal before removing his shirt. tendou decided it was okay to shower next to olive boy, as long as they both kept their shorts on. so when tendou spotted olive boy curling his fingers around the waistband of his shorts, he panicked, and ran up to the latter. 

"ushijima-kun! what are you doing?!" 

obviously, there was absolutely nothing wrong with what olive boy was doing. it's completely normal for boys to shower bare next to each other, however tendou just couldn't stand it. it was humiliating and degrading to him, he'd rather die than do that. a wave of confusion washed over olive boy's face as he paused and waited for tendou to say something. what could he say, though? 

"so, tendou-kun, i would like to ask if it's okay with you to take care of ushijima-kun for a few, let's say weeks. help him to settle in, teach him new phrases and traditions. what do you say?"

traditions….

"no no! it's rude in japanese culture to shower naked next to somebody who isn't close to you!" he crowed, which very clearly took olive boy aback. 

"o-oh, i didn't know." he mumbled, a subtle tint of red on his cheeks as he brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck.

tendou snickered at the sight, there olive boy does it again - makes himself seem like the tiniest person in the world even if he stands at like ten feet tall. it was so entertaining. 

"it's okay, just shower with your shorts on." 

volleyball morning training. the sun had just come out, painting the sky with hues of pink and orange. the weather was a little crispy, as tendou could feel the softness of the petals from the flowers and trees crumble under his touch. they were doing a morning run, something that the volleyball club has to do every morning. and as much as tendou loves the adrenaline of volleyball, he hates running. despises it, if you like. he can still keep up though, running next to eita as they talk about nothing. he just thinks it's useless, that's all. 

however, tendou couldn't help but notice how olive boy put in a hundred and ten percent effort into the run. he was ahead of everyone, his body perfectly aligned so that he was exercising the right muscles, and even his breathing was rhythmic, only breathing out every three seconds. oh, he was way too passionate about volleyball.

even when they were stretching inside the club room, people usually use this as a time to rest and only stretch what hurts. but, of course, olive boy sat on his own in a corner, stretching every limb of his body, to protect them from harm later on. 

"i think it's miserable." tendou watched, breath still a little shaky from the run.

"huh? oh, ushijima-kun? oh come on, he's exactly like us when we were in our first year." eita claimed, before pushing his weight onto his arms which were behind his head. 

"but he's not in his first year, semisemi." tendou added, before getting up and going to get a bib on for the practice match.

"it's his first day at practice, cut him some slack, you weirdo." eita jumped up as he followed said weirdo. 

he didn't know why, but tendou had a strong feeling this wasn't something that just happened on occasions. 

of course, even during the mini practice matches, olive boy put in his best effort. tendou watched as he almost broke the blockers' fingers off - he made one of the first years cry because his ridiculously insane power led to a whack in their face. ouch, that was going to bruise. 

tendou knew he was getting odd glances from his teammates today, and he knew why. they were used to his over-the-top loudness and cheering and roaring, yet today he did none of that. today he was being extremely observant of olive boy, for two reasons really. 

1: it was entertaining, tendou had never seen anyone so dedicated to a morning practice before, or anyone with his power before, or anyone like olive boy before.

2: he still had to find his weakness.

"wow, goshiki-kun! you surprised me out there!" tendou extolled, patting the first year on the back. 

"th-thank you!" goshiki yelled, clearly bursting with pride and excitement.

whilst talking to and complimenting goshiki, who tendou found absolutely adorable, he couldn't help but eavesdrop on eita's conversation with olive boy.

"that's his specialty, lifting up the team."

"lifting? how can he carry you all?"

"no i mean- he's very cheerful, and supportive. especially during a real match, he's screaming from the sidelines. but during practices? he loves smothering the first years, i like to call him the team mum."

"ah, that's good."

practice was over, thankfully for some people, so tendou was making his way to the locker room to change into his school uniform.

the locker room in shiratorizawa, is situated right next to the shared showers, which is usually why the boys get naked in the locker room and head to the showers. much to tendou's dismay. he got dressed quietly and quickly, obviously keeping his shorts on.

"tendou-kun?" olive boy's deep voice echoed in the said boy's ears, making him turn around to see a rather new look on olive boy's face. confusion and a hint of.. hurt? "you said that it's rude to be naked next to people you're not close with." 

oh. 

tendou turned around to see all the boys stripping themselves and hopping up to the showers, before he turned to see olive boy staring at them in disbelief. what tendou said earlier was a lie, obviously. he used olive boy's tiny knowledge of japanese culture for himself, to hide his own discomfort, and he was now battling with himself whether to use it again or just explain everything.

"well, you see, they're all friends. they're all close with each other. me and you, on the other hand, well we have only known each other for a day!" yes, he lied again. tendou figured they would probably have to shower alone together again, and he did not want to have to get used to seeing a naked olive boy every morning. 

"hm." he nodded, an unsure look still sitting on his face, his eyes not looking at tendous'. 

"ooookay?" a little satisfied and a little worried that olive boy didn't question it, tendou decided he would just keep his mouth shut. 

maths class, how boring. although tendou is a straight A student, he hates paying attention in classes that bore him: maths, physics and history. he could hardly care less about them, and still get an A when he does his exam. so he chooses not to, and the teachers don't really bug him about it, either. tendou called these his "free classes". 

so, in use of his free class, tendou decided to watch olive boy again. and, to no surprise, he was fully focused and engaged. he could practically see the cogs turning in his head as he listened intently to what the teacher was saying before scribbling on his notebook. tendou had even gone out of his way to get olive boy a teachers chair, that was extremely comfortable and swirly, yet olive boy didn't seem to care at all. his posture was tall and still, like he was at a business meeting or something. how strange. 

walking down the halls with olive boy walking steadily behind him, tendou spotted a girl he recognised from his class. he saw how fidgety she was, how flushed her cheeks were, how her eyes darted all over the corridors. and then he figured out why once she started tiptoeing towards him. 

"hi, tendou-kun!" she chimed. what a bitch.

"hey?" tendou has only ever spoken to this girl once, when she asked him for answers to the homework back in their first year. he remembered how happy he was that a girl as pretty as himari came up to him and spoke to him first, he remembered how ecstatic he was to help her with her homework. but he also remembered overhearing her calling him a creep just like everyone else, and how she was only being nice to him because she needed help. so yeah, what a bitch.

"u-uhm, i see you have someone following you around these days." there she goes again, using tendou to get what she wants. first homework, now olive boy. tendou couldn't help but feel the anger bubbling at the pit of his stomach.

"yes, i think everyone does." he replied bluntly, shoving his hands in his pocket to stop himself from wrapping them around her neck. 

she giggled, the same giggle she gave him two years ago. she hadn't changed one bit. "ushijima-kun, right?" she asked, and tendou couldn't tell if she was asking him or olive boy, so he shifted out of the way for the taller boy to see himari.

"she wants to talk to you, ushijima-kun." he whispered, before patting him on his chest a little harsher than he wanted to.

"hello, ushijima-kun! my name is himari-san! we're in the same class." she smiled, hands pinching the edge of her skirt as she swayed from side to side like a fucking tree in the wind and it made tendou want to throw up.

"i know." was all he said, and seeing the shock on himari's face made tendou burst into laughter. unconsciously, he wrapped his arm around olive boy's shoulder as he watched himari struggle to put words together in response to his very closing phrase. 

"oh, uh, well, where are you from, ushijima-kun?" god, seeing her trying to open the conversation again almost had tendou in tears, she looked so pathetic. 

"canada." oh how tendou loved how simple minded and straightforward olive boy was. 

"canada? that's-"

but he'd had enough of it now. so he removed his arm from olive boy's shoulder, and leaned towards himari, his famous 'creepy' look on his face. the one where his eyes widen, the corner of his lips lift to an uneasy height, and he tilts his head.

"clearly…! ushijima wakatoshi-kun does not want to talk to you, himari-san!" he bellowed, eyes not moving from hers. he remained in his position for a good ten seconds, staring her down as fear, then frustration, then realisation washed over her face. she finally remembered her encounter with tendou from two years ago.   
"that's what i thought." tendou disclosed, before ruffling her hair and walking towards the cafeteria. 

the day before today's lunch was rather awkward, with eita and tendou having their own conversations, before remembering that olive boy was there and trying to join him in. however, today was a little better, since all three of them had something to talk about.

"everyone's talking about how you two treated himari-san." eita choked on his food, laughing at the girl he and tendou shared a mutual hatred towards. they're best friends, if tendou doesn't like someone, eita doesn't like them either. 

"did we do something wrong?" olive boy asked, after majestically wiping his mouth with a red and white handkerchief. he looked like royalty. 

"uh, she was hitting on you, ushijima-kun." eita smiled, staring at olive boy for a response.

"yeah, and you-" tendou broke into a fit of laughter again, joined by eita as they both continued to snort and hit anything in their vision; including each other. "you were like 'i know' and 'canada' and she was all 'aah! wakatoshi-kuuuuuun! will you go out with me?!' " the impressions only led to both boys bursting into tears, as tendou could feel his throat burn in pain. 

"i was talking to her? i don't get it." olive boy genuinely looked puzzled, driving the two boys who were sat in front of him insane. 

"it's the fact that you- that you didn't even do it on purpose!" at this point eita was crying out awful noises, as tendou came to a point where he couldn't even physically produce any noises anymore. 

tendou hadn't felt this happy in awhile. seeing someone who crushed him a long time ago, feel the same pain of the bubble of hope being popped, made him feel a whole lot better.

"oi, creep! shut up, will ya?! some of us are trying to eat!" someone shouted, from across the canteen, immediately silencing tendou's non-existent laughing. he cleared his throat, before shifting uncomfortably in his seat and eating his food. 

eita sighed, rubbing the red head's back soothingly, returning to his food too. they both were getting sick of this. 

tendou felt olive boy's heavy gaze on them, he was probably confused at their sudden silence. he waited for him to say something, but olive boy just continued his food too. all three of them sat in silence for the rest of lunch, making tendou ache for it to be over. 

his heart was tight in his chest, throbbing frantically and irregularly, as he paced up and down the stairs. his chest lifted up and down way too fast for him to comprehend, as his breathing became painful and the only thing he could hear in his head. he tried counting backwards from ten, like his counsellor had advised him to when he ever felt like this, but he couldn't concentrate. mind flooded with memories, tendou couldn't take it any longer. he felt the tears soak up at his eyes, and his top lip quiver uncontrollably. the tears fell at a worrying pace, one straight after the other as tendou struggled to fill his lungs with air. 

his phone rang, unexpectedly, and tendou guessed it was because he was missing practice. it was probably eita. he tried reaching for the phone, he really did, but his hand was trembling way too much to grab it so he resorted to covering his face with them. he could feel his head pounding and he wanted it to stop.

he wanted it all to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love u allll,, pls leave comments they make me so happy !<3


	3. breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so SORREEEEEE for taking so long to post this :(((( i have been swamped with psych and economics work so ive been vv busy,, but !! i hope ive made it up by giving u 2 fluff scenes in this chapter ;) (followed by angst <3 lots of angst <3) anyways enjoyyy my lovelies :D

tendou believed he had a role to play within the volleyball team. he believed it was his job to keep a smile on his face, his job to cheer everyone on, his job to scare the opposing teams. he believed that if he didn't do this, the team would fall apart. he felt like the team's glue; he held them all together. and that was why he would never, ever let anybody see him as anything but happy. that was why he hid away whenever he felt that tight feeling in his chest, or throbbing in his head, or when his hands began to tremble. he couldn't let anyone, not even eita, see him in such an awful state.

so that's why when tendou waltzed into the sports hall, 20 minutes late, he had a huge smile on his face.

"satori-san!" the coach roared, furious but not surprised at tendou's late appearance. tendou frowned upon hearing that, before pulling himself towards his best friend who was staring at him weirdly. 

"what?" tendou asked, a smirk on his face as he leaned against the net pole, an action he usually did after he'd hidden away for awhile. he watched as eita just kept staring, confused why his usually chatty friend was so silent. "eita," he chuckled, placing his hands on his friend's shoulders, "am i that handsome you can't stop staring?" 

said boy shook his head, waving his hand in the air in dismissal, before walking off without even saying anything. tendou was confused, and a little shocked, but he brushed it off and started getting ready for practice.

since eita was very clearly distancing himself from tendou, who was now a little offended, he decided he should use the opportunity to talk to olive boy. 

"hi." he smiled, which soon became an awkward smile since olive boy basically ignored him and continued to work on his retrieves against the wall. "uh, hi?" again, ignored. olive boy's concentration levels were outstandingly high, blocking out all distractions - including tendou. 

so, tendou had to come up with another way to get his attention. being the gifted middle blocker he is, tendou carefully laid his eyes on the ball, watched it bounce against the wall and into olive boy's hands, and then just before it hit the wall again, tendou springed up in front of it. he watched as olive boy's olive eyes widened ever so slightly, and he laughed to himself.

"i was trying to get your attention! but you were so caught u-" 

"practice with me." he commanded, very out of the blue.

"haa?" tendou was a little speechless, but then he realised that he hadn't actually attempted to block any of olive boy's spikes yet, as dangerous as they seem.

"try block my spikes, i want to see if you can." he was so stern, it almost seemed rude. but why not? the worst case scenario was tendou gets his fingers broken and he can't play for the next couple of weeks. but that was the worst case scenario.

tendou was a little nervous as he watched shirabu set to olive boy, he swallowed a gulp as the insanely large male jumped off of his feet. he waited for a second, before bending down, and lifting himself up too. being face to face with olive boy, above the net, was strangely exhilarating as their eyes met, both burning with passion and competitiveness. tendou couldn't help but grin as he felt an adrenaline rush all over his body, he hadn't felt this in ages. this was exactly why he loved volleyball. 

however, as expected, olive boy was just too strong. the spike only grazed against tendou's bandage-covered fingers, and knocked down onto the court with ease. 

"one touch." tendou chuckled, cracking his knuckles and rolling back his shoulders to try again.

"that was good, i had to change my way." olive boy grunted, a little out of breath.

"yeah, i guessed where you were going to hit. twice. but you still managed to hit it over me, so well done." 

they tried again, with tendou falling on the floor this time. he heard eita laugh at this, and normally he would laugh too, but the pettiness from being ignored earlier ate at him so he got a little bit mad. "hey, what's your problem, semi?" he hissed, getting up slowly so he didn't damage his pretty fingers.

"huh?" eita looked at him, with a face that read 'don't pretend you don't know.'

"seriously, i'm sick of you ignoring me like i've done something wrong." this should have happened after practice, and tendou knew that, but he was getting very frustrated with how childish eita was acting. 

eita tilted his head, like he'd taken offence to what tendou said before he stormed towards the guy, fisting his shirt. "i'm ignoring you because you're ignoring me!" he barked, but there was no sign of anger in his eyes. tendou tried to read his face, he tried to figure out what was actually going on, but eita's face remained 'angry'.

"semi, calm down for a-" tendou wasn't the type of person to shout and make a big deal in front of everyone, unlike eita. 

"no! i'm sick of looking after you like a goddamn baby! i'm sick of you pretending that everything is okay!" he fumed, his fist tightening and almost ripping tendou's shirt.

looking after him? is that how eita felt around tendou? that he was...looking after him? tendou felt his belly churn, the feeling of wanting to throw up crawling up his throat. out of everyone, he did not expect to hear that from eita. but he still kept the smirk on his face, like this wasn't such a big deal. "everything is okay though, eita. i'm fine." he held his hands up in innocence, with a joking look on his face, hinting at eita to stop and they can deal with this later. even if later might be never in tendou's head. 

however, eita lifted his second fist, and quickly drew it towards tendou's face. but who was he kidding? tendou wasn't called the guess monster for no reason. he was quick to move his head out of the way, making eita growl at his miss.

"hey! is nobody gonna help me out here?" tendou called out, still trying to dismiss the very obvious seriousness of the situation. 

and to everybody's, including eita's, surprise, olive boy stepped in, easily separating the two. he shoved eita a little too hard into reon's arms, and stood next to tendou, like a personal bodyguard or something. 

"you're being childish." olive boy muttered, folding his arms whilst he watched reon and other teammates struggle to remove eita from the room who was grinding his teeth and pounding his fists into the air. 

tendou laughed, before wrapping his arm around olive boy again. "thank you for saving me." this drew olive boy's attention, as he lifted his head to stare at tendou. they both stood there in silence for a little bit, and tendou couldn't figure out why he didn't pull away his gaze. there was something odd about the way he was looking at him, and sadly, tendou failed to figure it out.

after a lot of scolding, tendou left the sports hall with a skip, ready to go back to his dorm.

oh.

he can't go there. he shares his dorm with eita. tendou froze, remembering what eita screamed at him earlier. 

"i'm sick of looking after you like a goddamn baby!"

was tendou just a big burden? he thought his friendship with eita was genuine, and mutual. since when did eita feel like he had to look after tendou? tendou made sure he never let his best friend knew how much he was suffering, so why did eita feel like that? was eita starting to feel down because of the bullying because it was affecting him too? 

tendou felt his breath hitch and his body stiffen - it was happening again. he didn't even know if he had the energy to go through this twice in one day. his lips quivered, so he needed to pick up his pace to hide.

"breathe." 

a low voice emerged from behind him, before he lifted his feet to run away. it was a very familiar voice too. the redhead turned around, to see olive boy stood behind him, a different expression sat on his face. pity.

"just breathe, it'll help."

he didn't even move, he just stood there with his hand on the strap of his backpack, staring at tendou with nothing but pity. the latter felt his heart shake vigorously, as tears pricked at his eyes. sucking in a shaky breath, tendou tried his best to stay still.

"not here, tendou-kun."

as deep as his voice was, olive boy sounded so soft and gentle. he was so soothing. tendou felt his heart ease at the way he spoke. and what eased it even more, was olive boy's sudden grip on the smaller boy's arm, as he pulled him along the school's campus towards the art building.

tendou felt a little silly with the way he was speechlessly following olive boy around the school like a little puppy. he just walked behind him, silently admiring his broad shoulders, tall back, and his wavy olive hair. the silence wasn't eating him up either, it wasn't hurling his mind into a pit of self-loath and horrible memories, it wasn't making him uncomfortable, forcing him to say the most random things. it was so relaxing. even if olive boy was doing this out of pity, it still felt nice, and new, and different.

"where are we?" tendou whispered, his voice a little raspy from the unusual silence. 

olive boy just sat down at the desk of what seemed to be an art classroom. it was around 7pm, so it was still a little light, with the soft rays of the sun peering through the open windows. the breeze brushed against tendou as he felt his hair sway in it. closing his eyes, he soaked up this new atmosphere. 

"this is art classroom," he started, pulling out the chair next to him for tendou to sit on. "it has plants." 

confused to say the least, tendou just waited for what olive boy meant as he sat down on the chair, shifting it so that he was facing the taller boy. he simply looked at the far right of the classroom. tendou followed his gaze, only to find a small collection of plants that were neatly arranged. looking back at olive boy, tendou had a puzzled expression on his face. 

olive boy stood up, and walked towards the plants, before sitting on the floor and staring at them. tendou could see the slight glimmer in his eyes, the amusement from simply looking at plants. how cute.

"plants help." he uttered, an almost smile on his face. an almost smile. 

so they spent the rest of the evening staring at plants, with olive boy occasionally telling tendou the names of them and what makes them different from the others. tendou found his interest in plants so childish, and something else that made olive boy look tiny. 

peeping into the room, tendou let out a sigh of relief upon hearing eita's loud snores that sometimes kept him up at night. and tonight was probably going to be one of those nights. he climbed up onto his bed, settled on his mattress and cuddled up with his sheets.

although olive boy was very helpful, tendou couldn't wipe that face of pity out of his eyes. he remembered the way olive boy stared at him like he was homeless or something, and he hated it. tendou hated whenever anybody looked at him like that. that's how the people in the corridors look at him whenever he's being picked on, and it makes him feel so angry. 

tendou was wrongly angry at ushijima, and he knew that. but he couldn't help it. 

usually when tendou wakes up at 5am in the morning to shower, eita is fast asleep. tendou expected to wake up to the sound of his best friend's aggressive snoring he did whenever he was angry the night before he slept, but he couldn't hear anything - not even his breathing. curious, he jumped down from his bed, which was pretty easy considering his height, and bent over to see if eita was asleep or not. he wasn't in the bed. 

hurt, tendou grabbed his towel, shampoo and shower brush and headed towards the showers. he couldn't believe that his friend - his only true friend - was this upset at him. 

morning showers were something tendou used to look forward to everyday. his refreshing start to the morning. with hot water trickling down his body, running through his locks of hair as he leaned into its touch, clearing his head. he loved how empty his mind would become, completely soaked with water as he would just stand under the showerhead with his eyes closed and a dreamy smile on his lips.

however, he didn't feel as comfortable doing that now with the unfairly attractive man showering next to him, who seemed like he was rushing all the time. he barely spent a minute on his scalp, to which tendou would have spent three on, massaging his head to reduce any of his stress. he only spent two minutes on his hair, to which the redhead spent ten. his body took a little longer, probably around seven minutes, but tendou just watched as ushijima left the shower to get dressed. that was hardly a shower, he thought. just a rinse.

he was still angry at ushijima, and still a heartbeat away from falling apart because of eita. but tendou was irritated and he needed to spark up a conversation to distract himself, since the shower failed.

"hey, you got a girlfriend, ushijima?"

"what's a gi..rl..friend?"

tendou laughed a little, because the word for girlfriend in japanese was pretty much the english word with an accent.

"a girlfriend." he repeated, but in english.

the olive haired boy, paused for a second looking at tendou with a little disbelief hidden in his eyes. he was shirtless, with only a pair of jogging bottoms on as he was rubbing his hair dry with a towel. a towel, how careless. tendou uses a hair dryer, as he combs through his locks with a brush, before gelling it up to the spiky way he likes.

"no."

"no? you don't have a long distance girlfriend in canada that you facetime every night?" tendou joked. he did think it was surprising that ushijima didn't have a girlfriend, though. he was so good looking why was it all going to waste?

"no, i'm either sleeping or studying at night." he said, bluntly, whilst aggressively rubbing the towel against his head.

"ever had a girlfriend? i wonder what girls in canada are like." the small talk was so unnecessary, but as long as it distracted him, it was fine.

ushijima was starting to be frustrated with the fact that his hair wasn't drying, huffing and pulling down his soaking wet towel. "they're just like the girls here." he then resorted to using his hands to try and scrunch dry his hair, which was so aggravating to watch. 

tendou sighed dramatically, "is volleyball the only thing you're good at, ushijima?" he dragged out his words, acting disappointed. "here, let me help."

"help?"

skipping to the back cupboard, tendou picked out a new towel before walking back towards ushijima who was silently and patiently watching him. he sighed again, before standing behind the tall boy and placing the towel above his head.

"i don't usually dry my hair with a towel, because it's a little long." he started, before twisting the edges of the towel so that they could soak up the water from his olive coloured hair. "but, i do know that drying your hair with a wet towel," he laughed to himself at how stupid ushijima was to think he could dry his hair with a soaking wet towel, "doesn't really work."

"hm." he nodded, only to mess up what tendou was doing, making him grit his teeth tightly. but, he remembered that he shouldn't be frustrated right now. his mornings were for peace only. "sorry." ushijima whispered, before correcting his position so that tendou could focus. stopping for a second, tendou felt ushijima's back pressed against him and realised that his head was just above his tummy. wow, he was tall. his shoulders spread further than tendou's little waist, too, only for the latter to stare at them because he wished his body was built like that. he would be so confident.

"thank you." ushijima said, doing his almost smile again. the one where tendou saw the thanks in his eyes and not on his lips.

"you're welcome, just scrunch it up from the sides next time, and then twist so that the towel sits on both sides of your head." he informed, only to see ushijima staring at him awkwardly. he didn't understand. "uh, twist both sides and then-" the attempt to explain it english failed, so tendou decided he'll do it on ushijima again. so, the taller of the two sat down on a bench that he dragged in front of the mirror so that he could see, as tendou stood behind him.

seeing them both in the mirror made a million feelings and thoughts appear in tendou's head. this was so strange, so calm, so quiet. tendou had never done anything like this for someone he had only just met. he began comparing their faces, seeing how effortlessly good looking ushijima was made tendou suck in a sharp breath. he had just gotten out the shower, and he looked this good? however, he pushed his thoughts away, trying his best not to overthink about anything and everything, going back to what he was doing.

during the morning run, tendou always ran next to eita. always. but, when he arrived at the gate to the school, he saw eita standing next to reon, laughing very loud, which would have been fine on any other day, but knowing that tendou couldn't go and join in really hurt.

"hi, tendou-senpai!" 

senpai. oh how much tendou loved hearing that word. the amount of confidence that blooms through his body is ridiculous once he feels a sense of respect and admiration. he turned to the owner of the voice, only to see a tiny goshiki waving at him so awkwardly and excitedly, making tendou want to squish his cheeks so tightly and ruffle his hair. 

"hi goshiki-kun!" he returned the smile, giving the same energy back so that there was no tension. he couldn't help but ask, "you wanna run with me today?" goshiki was just too cute. and, he had nobody else to run with since eita had left him. ushijima was an option, too, but he was way too fast.

the way the smaller boy's hands fisted as he jumped into the air, a noise of excitement coming out of his lips, made tendou melt at the sight. he loved first years. "yes, please! also, ca-can i practice my spikes on you?" he asked, evidently shy.

"aaaah!" tendou wrapped his arm around the younger, to which goshiki tensed up at. "the future ace is here!" he chimed, which made goshiki tremble in shock, nervousness and enthusiasm. 

whilst running next to goshiki, which was very entertaining, don't get him wrong. he adores the first year, watching him try his best just to impress his senpai. however, tendou couldn't help stealing glances at eita, who had inevitably been ignoring him all morning. tendou could feel his heart get sore a little, his legs feeling a lot heavier to drag along with him on the run. 

when was this going to stop?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to comment !! i read them all hehe and they motivate me to write more !! 
> 
> oh also eita and tendou's friendship will remain a part of the plot bc :(( friends are jus as important as lovers !!


	4. adrenaline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little cliche but still enjoy !!<3 (sorry for the late upload aiming to post the next one over the weekend to make up for it rip)

"i'm hungry." 

evenings were usually spent with eita and reon, messing around in grocery stores, going to the arcade, swinging on the swings. however, reon chose to side with eita after their break up. so tendou decided he'd hang out with his.. alternatives: goshiki and ushijima. goshiki was cute, and lively, and really bubbly. tendou loved sitting and talking to him about volleyball amongst other things. hanging out with ushijima, on the other hand, was like a canvas. it was empty until you added your own input - he was silent, unless tendou chose to break the silence. 

all three boys were sat down under a tree, and tendou couldn't help but feel like it was raining blossoms. petals after petals after petals poured down from under the tree, making all three of them sneeze occasionally when it landed under their nose. goshiki would ruffle his hair and sometimes stare in awe at how pretty and pink the blossoms were, melting his senpai's crippling heart. the tallest of the three barely did anything, petals scattered all over his shoulders, hair, the bridge of his nose, one even tucked behind his ear. 

"should we go eat something?!" goshiki jumped, ready to serve his senpai. 

"i should revise, we have a biology test next week, tendou-kun." ushijima stated, much to both boy's despair.

"who cares about the test?" tendou sighed, leaning his back against the tree. why was ushijima so boring? "yes, goshiki-kun, let's go get something to eat. we can leave grandpa over here to revise while we go have some fun." tendou giggled, hugging goshiki's side like they had been close for years. said boy laughed, covering his mouth with his hand.

"grandpa?" ushijima furrowed his brows, visibly confused, which drew clamorous laughs from the other two.

"yes, ushijima, you're a grandpa."

"i don't even have any children, let alone grandchildren." 

tendou paused for a while. was ushijima's slowness due to the fact that his japanese wasn't perfect yet, or was that how he normally was? was his inability to understand jokes and expressions a language barrier, or does he mentally struggle to process things? the redhead resumed to his odd silence he did whenever he was in a deep thought or analysing something carefully - in this case someone. 

but that soon came to a halt as he jumped in the air, screaming and bouncing up and down in exhilaration. he swirled and hopped and fisted the air, as the two very clueless boys sat on the floor watched him.

"i found your weakness! i fooooound it! i fooooound it!" he sang, dancing by himself.

"found what, tendou senpai?" goshiki batted his eyes in puzzlement, his gaze switching between the two third years. 

smiling to himself, the said senpai felt his heart lower in his chest, fluttering to the bottom of his ribs ever so slowly. his smile wavered so slightly he was sure that the boys were way too oblivious to notice.

"i can't believe he's that good at volleyball, though. it's, like, not fair at all." eita sighed too.

"i know! he literally has everything. there has to be something he's bad at."

"yeah, you need to find that out or else we're practically useless since volleyball's the only thing we've got."

this was supposed to be something he could share with eita. his best friend. the only person he trusts in the world. he wasn't going to let him go. but what could he do? what if eita was sick and done with him? the same monotonous thoughts wrapped around tendou's mind, relentlessly pulling at his heart and tearing his head apart. 

"plants. look at the plants." 

that familiar gentle tone released into the air, like a soft finger lifting tendou's chin and another brushing against his cheek. like an arm slowly making its way across his stomach, engulfing him a warm hug. like a blissful whiff of air in his face, opening his eyes wide open. what olive boy said was so simple, but it always left such a huge impact. the redhead looked at the blossom tree in front of him. he admired the way the blossoms flushed under the sunset, the way they tenderly fell onto the ground. they were so perfect. so calming. sucking in a huge gasp, tendou fisted his chest, a wave of determination washing over him. 

"thank you." 

olive boy did his almost smile again. and that was enough to set tendou off and running.

the once heavy weight on his heart had been replaced with a huge rush of adrenaline, like there was something underneath his heart, pushing it up, strengthening it, pumping it. tendou felt his face twist into a smile, he was excited, he was desperate, and he was ready. he hated running, but the way his legs sprinted off the ground one after the other, helping his body leap into the air only fed his increasing satisfaction. each step he took only making him more and more eager.

as if he was breaking into a house, tendou banged on the door aggressively. his chest heaved up and down frantically, but there was something different about it this time, it was containing his mountain of emotions. his mountain of overwhelmingly positive emotions. good emotions that made him feel happy for once in his miserable fucking life.

hesitantly, the door opened. a hand a little darker than eita's popping up beside it. reon. 

nerves started to kick in the slower the door moved. what was he doing? he just ran away from goshiki and olive boy. for what? he hadn't even planned what he was going to do or say or-

"can i…? help you?" reon's deep voice echoed in tendou's ears, freezing him in place. why was he speaking like that? why was he speaking like tendou was some stranger knocking on his door for some random business reason? they were friends.

"i- ei- well.." he struggled to say anything, all the adrenaline gone from his body. he was left holding himself up with only his feet that were glued to the floor. 

"eita isn't here." he stated, making tendou's mouth dry. that was a lie. he could smell tangy cheese doritos - they were eita's favourite. he was lying to drive him away. they didn't want him around anymore. they didn't want tendou anymore.

"no, reon, it's okay." the sound of his best friend's voice appeared out of nowhere, as tendou could hear him lift himself up and walk towards the dorm door. he propped himself up against the door frame with his elbow above his head, staring at tendou with expectant eyes.

tendou couldn't bring himself to say anything as he felt his eyes shiver and warm up. "n-no-not-" he was hopeless, his mask was breaking, his bottle was leaking. the strong tendou he had wanted everyone on his team to know.. was disappearing.

eita visibly caught on to what the taller boy was saying, holding onto his wrist and pulling him through the corridors silently. the atmosphere felt familiar. it was like the time olive boy took him to the art classroom. he could get used to this. 

they were both sat on tendou's top bunk, one on either side of it. eita sat with his legs crossed and his arms folded, a pissed look on his face. tendou, on the other hand, sat on his knees, his head hung low and his hands anxiously rubbing against each other. he gulped, cautious and thinking of who was going to speak first. sighing, eita rubbed his face before resting his elbow on his knee and his cheek on his fist, still scowling. uncomfortable, tendou opened his mouth to speak.

"i found it." he whispered.

"huh?" eita lifted his head with his eyebrows knitted together. 

"i...found something ushijima isn't good at." tendou fiddled with his fingers even more, his knuckles sore from the cracking and joints sore from the twisting. 

"seriously, satori?" eita lifted back his head, clearly offended. "you banged on the door to tell me you found ushijima's weakness? seriously?" although his words were cold and closed, tendou could tell eita was asking him to say what he really wanted to say. but he couldn't. he was too scared.

"it's japanese. or speech in general. i can't tell yet." he couldn't bring his voice to be any louder. 

as though he had given in, eita joined in the conversation. "yeah, it's pretty obvious since he doesn't get expressions and jokes easily. you have to spell everything out to him like he's a baby, for fucks sake." he scoffed, holding in a laugh.

"yeah, who'd wanna hang out with someone like that?" tendou chuckled.

"you." 

oh. but doesn't eita know that the only reason he's hanging out with him is because eita isn't? "semisemi i-"

"i know." he looked up at the ceiling. "i shouldn't have ignored you. i was just.." he paused, returning his sight back to the redhead. "waiting for you." 

tendou felt his breath hitch. waiting for him? what did that even mean? "what do y-"

"i was waiting for you to come and tell me what the hell was wrong with you." his hands wavered in the air, gesturing his frustration. "i was waiting for you to tell me why you wander off for an hour and come back as if everything's okay. i was waiting for you to tell me why you pretend everything is okay, when it clearly isn't!" his voice grew louder with every sentence. "i was waiting for you to come to me and open up so that i could tell you everything is okay! so that i could tell you how appreciated you are! and how everyone else in the school is just stupid and close minded and-"

he couldn't hold it back, his tears spilling at their own will. tendou lifted his hand to cover his quivering top lip as he felt himself crumble in front of his best friend. he had never done this before. he had never felt so naked before. he let the tears fall, but then he started sob. and it tolled on from there, his body spiralling out of control. but this time, eita was there. eita was there to hold him, to rest his chin on his shoulder, to rub his back, to whisper "it's okay, let it all out." hell, tendou didn't know how much he needed this. he didn't know how good it felt to have someone beside him at a time like this. this was better than any of his stupid counseling sessions he had ever been to, and he really really wanted to get used to it.

"see? that wasn't so hard." the ash haired boy chuckled, his arm still tight around his friend. his best friend. 

"shut up, loser." tendou sniffled, leaning his head against said loser's broad shoulder. 

"so, what are you gonna do with it?"

"with what?"

"the knowledge of the great ushijima's one and only weakness, the one and only thing that proves he is a human being, and that he isn't the most perfect, most good looking, most amazing volley-"

tendou laughed, lifting his head and pushing the boy onto the bed. "i get it, i get it!" 

eita stayed down on the bed, laughing at his own joke. "so? what are you gonna do with it?"

"what do you mean? there's nothing to do with it." he shrugged. "what, you want me to use it against him or something?" eita lifted himself up from the bed, giving tendou the 'duh' look. "no! i'm supposed to be looking after him!" he shouted, a look of disbelief on his face.

"he's 17, he can look after himself!"

"his japanese says he can't!"

"oh come on, let nozomi-san or himari-san look after him! think of how funny it'll be to wind him up." this was so strange coming from eita's mouth. "for the sake of my pride and manlihood, i need to see the great ushijima fail." he said, putting on an act.

"i'm not gonna trick him to make you, or your shrimp dick, feel better." he laughed. "i don't wanna humiliate him like that." with first hand experience of humiliation, tendou could never imagine himself doing that to anybody else. especially someone he had been given responsibility to look after. 

"shrimp?! you-" he lifted his fist, only for them to start play fighting on tendou's bed. their friendship was back. thank god.

"good morning!" tendou smiled, closing his eyes, flashing his teeth and waving his hand. 

"morning." olive boy nodded.

tendou's eyes slowly wandered down to olive boy's fingers which latched around his shorts, which soon fell to his ankles. he then proceeded to lift his feet, one after the other, as he leaned down to hold onto the shorts and throw them to the side. 

fuck. now it was going to look weird if tendou showered with his shorts still on. a memory played back in his mind of when he first pulled down his shorts in front of other boys, and he almost gagged. the horror of the other boys poking fun at his length and backside was too traumatising that he swore he'd never do it again.

"ah, i thought since we've been hanging on together, i could do this. is that okay?" he asked once he noticed tendou's intimidating staring.

"yeah, as long as it's okay for me not to pull mine down. and by the way, it's hanging 'out' together, not 'on'." he smiled, still in an extremely good mood from last night.

"of course it's okay, why wouldn't it be?" he tilted his head, to tendou's surprise.

"oh, uh, okay then." 

so they showered next to each other, one covered in shorts, and one completely free and naked. how friendly. the only person tendou feels comfortable peeing or showering next to is eita, so this was a bit new. 

"i forgot how to do the towel, tendou-kun." 

"i think what you're trying to say is, 'tendou-kun, i need your help! please can you teach me how to wrap a towel around my head because i'm useless when it comes to drying my hair!' right?" he joked, to which the taller boy simply nodded at. how boring, that joke was easy enough to understand in japanese, right? did that mean tendou was right when he also thought there was a possibility olive boy just didn't understand jokes in general? "c'mere, grandpa."

"tendou-kun." olive boy spoke, sat on the bench with his head almost resting against tendou's chest if his posture hadn't been so firm. 

said boy hummed in response, his hands raking through olive boy's hair, releasing the water that was held in it. tendou was being very gentle so that he didn't hurt olive boy's scalp, or get his pretty little fingers stuck in any knots.

"i still don't have grandchildren." he vouched, his eyes meeting tendou's in the mirror. their gaze held again, which still confused tendou as he could never come up with a reason as to why that always happened. 

"it's a joke, ushijima-kun." it had been way too long, why didn't olive boy get the joke yet?

his gaze remained still, drawing a sigh from the redhead who went to get a new hair towel. as he walked back, he decided he'd explain it to poor poor olive boy. "basically, sometimes when you speak, you sound like an old man-"

"is my voice rashpy?" 

"no i-" patience. "i mean, you don't say things that other teenagers usually say. like when we were hanging out before," tendou put pressure on the word 'out' to remind olive boy how to say that phrase, "you said that you should be revising. i meant to say that what you said was boring and that you should focus on having fun sometimes. you're so caught up in volleyball and school, i think you should just let loose." 

"ah, i see." he nodded, messing up the towel. "sorry." 

tendou giggled, starting again. this guy was like a child. "it's okay." he patted his head, smiling at him through the mirror.

"and tendou-kun?" 

"hm?"

"thank you." 

tendou looked at olive boy through the mirror again, and he received something he wasn't expecting, at least for another few weeks. a smile. a genuine smile. he felt like he was staring at a child, a little boy, a boy who's smile read 'thank you for understanding me like nobody else did'. his smile was similar to goshiki's, except it wasn't covered in embarrassment, or hidden behind giggles. it was a pure, genuine, smile of gratitude, and tendou couldn't stop the way his heart fluttered drastically in his chest at the sight.

"y-you're welcome, ushijima-kun." 

there was not one day in tendou's life that went the way he expected. he had expected today to go smoothly, with his friends, eita and reon, back he thought he would be spending the day with them and having some fun. but, nothing goes the way he expects.

"i saw you staring at her, freak! don't fucking lie to me!" it was one punch after the other, all directed at his stomach. cowards. three against one was clearly unfair and cowardly. 

coughing out endlessly, tendou choked on his words. "i did-dnt st...are at he-r." 

his hair being his worst enemy at that moment, made it easy for one of the boys to grab onto and pull him up so that they met eye level, with tendou's long legs resting on the ground since the guy was short. how pathetic, being beaten by someone who was barely 5"5. 

"i saw you, too!" he slapped tendou across the face, drawing hysterical laughter from the three devils.

"what were you thinking about, freak? getting into bed with her?! like hell she'd wanna sleep with someone whose face is as fucked up as yours!" the last boy had a way with his words that nobody else had. his words stung hard, rubbing salt in tendou's still open and sore wounds.

"you...g-guys st-still thin..k like chiiildren? you still bully peo..ple in the bathroom an-'' the strong one kicked tendou in the face, either leaving a bruise or shoe mark with the impact.

"shut up!" was all he could say, he was all punches and kicks. they left the nastiness to spill from the other guy's mouth.

"bully? yeah, that's for children. who said we're bullying you?" he chided, laughing too. "this is simply a fight. people fight all the time, right? get up and fight so that yoharo-san can see how manly you are!" 

who even was yoharo? these fucking cowards just came up with a random excuse to drag him to the bathroom and beat him up.

the angry one shot at him again, this time jumping on top of him and landing punches on his face again and again and again-

"you're always in a fight, tendou-kun." 

olive boy.

olive boy managed to see him again, suffering again, on the verge of crying again. why was it always ushijima?

"huh? who the hell are you?!" the boy on top of tendou barked, his fist paused in mid air. 

"ushijima wakatoshi, i need to use the toilet." he pointed, standing at the door.

"then go, we're not stopping you, are we?" smart mouth articulated, an aggravating smirk on his lips. 

"yes, you are." ushijima blinked, not moving. 

"are you stupid or something, he was clearly telling you to-" angry boy had leapt up from tendou, ready to pound into olive boy's side. but olive boy was quicker, and smoother, and stronger. he managed to dodge the angry boy, and used his lower arm to corner him against the door, banging his head abruptly. this frightened the other boys since smart mouth was all talk and the small one...well tendou didn't really know why he was there. 

"well, since you're so big i guess you need the whole bathroom, don't you? so nosy." he snarled, before heading out of the toilet and dragging his angry friend out with him.

tendou remained on the floor, irritated that ushijima had come and not eita or reon. maybe goshiki too, the boy would have ran his fastest to get a teacher. tendou chuckled at the thought, before he saw a hand in front of him. he sighed, throwing away his pride (that was thrown away the minute he ended up in the bathroom) and held onto the hand. 

"you like to fight, tendou-kun. although you never do any of the fighting." he chuckled. 

what the fuck was that supposed to mean?

"excuse me?" tendou raised an eyebrow, challenging the taller boy even though he could barely stand on his own two feet. his scalp was chafed, his stomach was in excruciating pain and his cheeks were throbbing violently. nonetheless, he was fueled with anger.

"i saw you with eita too." he laughed quietly to himself. ushijima was laughing at tendou. he found it funny that he was all beaten up, what the hell? "you keep making people angry and turn out like this."

that was enough to spark a little strength in tendou's right arm as he swung it towards the taller's face, as he simply grabbed it like it was the easiest thing in the world. tendou, who was usually very quiet unless he was cheering somebody on the court, let out a cry of anger right from the back of his throat that he never thought he had in him. he pulled back his arm (because ushijima let go, he wasn't strong enough to pull out of his grasp) and swung his other to the obviously much more stronger and skilled boy's chest. that was also dodged.

"and you're picking a fight with me, too?" he laughed. "this is fun." this boy was driving tendou mad, what was wrong with him? 

"fun? fun?! i'll show you fun!" he lunged his arm forward only to be hit so hard in the stomach he was hurled to the other side of the toilet, whacking the wall. the strength piled up in ushijima was ridiculous, so ridiculous it had terrified tendou to silence. he sat on the floor, bleeding from his mouth as his stomach struggled to lift up and down properly as he breathed, staring at ushijima wide-eyed. he…. hit him. why did he hit him? why did he hit him that hard? 

"that's enough, tendou-kun. if i hadn't knocked some sense into you, you would have carried on." 

this is the most ushijima has ever said since he arrived. it was also the first time he had ever laughed since he arrived. he decided it was okay to show his true self, once tendou was beaten to a pulp on the floor, on the verge of unconsciousness. how humiliating. how...mean. 

the last memory tendou had before he had completely passed out was ushijima lifting his body as if it weighed nothing. fuck him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note the change between olive boy and ushijima is Important ;) u can try and figure out why if u want 
> 
> pls leave a comment and thank u for all the support so far !!<3


	5. hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains: the depths of tendou's brain and memories,, actual teasing like the summary of my story said,, AND SO MUCH FLUFF :D pls enjoy

payback.

oh he was gonna get ushijima back so good.

even if he was barely walking.

tendou would make ushijima pay.

"you know, semisemi, your idea wasn't that bad." tendou said, lying on his bed. he had his eyes locked on the fan that was spinning ever so slowly. shirtless, he had his hands behind his head to let his bruises feel the sensation of the cold breeze from the fan. they had been so cooped up in bandages and sweaty clothes tendou decided they needed time to breathe if he was going to get better. thanks to ushijima's blow to his stomach, tendou wasn't anywhere near capable enough to play on the volleyball team. he wasn't even allowed in the sports hall. 

he'd been beaten up before. he'd been bullied before. but it had never been reported to the teachers, never been the topic of the entire school, never stopped him from doing the only thing he lived for at this point. and it was all that annoying ushijima's fault. if he had just shut his mouth, none of this would have happened. 

"what idea?" eita answered, sitting at his desk, revising for his upcoming history exam.

"about using ushijima's weakness against him."

eita turned around in his swirly chair and tilted his head at tendou with an eyebrow raised. "you're thinking of something really evil, aren't you?"

tendou laughed, shifting his body so that he rested on his elbow, facing eita. "not that evil, just something to make it even."

"even? didn't ushijima-kun get you out of that mess?" eita seemed confused.

tendou sighed, he hadn't told him about what really happened since apparently ushijima hadn't gathered up the guts to do so himself. as far as everyone was concerned, tendou was being beaten up like a damsel in distress, and the oh so great ushijima wakatoshi, his knight in shining armour, had rescued him. 

"yeah, i guess." 

"then…? what's your problem?" 

should he tell him? will he even understand? "he punched me, too."

the confused expression that once sat on eita's face immediately grew into one of complete disbelief. "ushijima? as in ushijima wakatoshi ushijima? he punched you?!"

"with every bit of strength he had!" 

"is that why you passed out?! oh my god, ushijima?! i didn't think he was the type to join in i-!" 

"no, he wasn't beating me up with the other guys."

"then..?"

"he laughed at me. and then he punched me because i started a fight with him." now that tendou said it out loud, the punch sounded rather reasonable. fuck.

"so, you punched him?"

"twice, but he dodged them. both of them." tendou growled, remembering how embarrassingly weak he must have seemed in front of him. 

"and then he punched you back?" eita blinked, just as tendou expected.

groaning, tendou jumped down from his top bunk, shoved his pants in his jogger bottoms, threw on a pair of crocs and stomped outside; moody that eita didn't understand. 

it was 10pm, way past the curfew. tendou was walking outside, letting his naked upper body sink in the night breeze. being locked inside his own school meant that tendou didn't have the same experiences other teenagers had. he couldn't go to parties, couldn't get drunk, couldn't have sex. well, the last part is probably because he'd never met a girl that was willing to have sex with him. tendou hadn't even had a girlfriend before. well, there was one girl in third grade, who would swing on the swings with him at the school playground everyday. she even kissed him once, but then got picked on by her friends for kissing someone so ugly, and ended up moving school. that was tendou's only dating experience. how sad.

now that he was thinking about dating, tendou flickered through his memories of the girls he had ever interacted with.

there was the time with asami-san:

"ah! i'm so so sorry!" bright green eyes, pale skin, and gorgeous, thick, curly black hair. she had bumped into tendou whilst running through the halls frantically, and all of her papers and books had fallen on the floor. a little cliche, but tendou had found her very cute. the way she tried her best to grasp everything, the way her breathing was uneven due to her nerves, the way her cheeks flared every time she raised her gaze to catch him staring at her. 

"it's okay." he chuckled, helping her gather her notes. looking at the amount of notes she had written down, and the amount of post-its she had stuck onto her books, tendou easily recognised that she was probably a top student. or there was the possibility that she wasn't, but she was trying her hardest to.

"thank you for your help…uh?" she was standing there, waiting to hear his name. tendou thought this would be the start of his own little love story.

"tendou, tendou satori." but when his name fell off his lips, the girl stood still in horror. she tried to cover it by giggling nervously, her hand moving to ruffle her hair, resulting in more notes falling from her hold. "here i'll-" he went to grab them, to offer to hold more for her, even if he already realised why she was so nervous. 

"n-no! it's okay." she smiled, masking the fear of talking to somebody everybody spoke so hideously of. she bent down, and got them herself, before dashing off, leaving tendou standing awkwardly in the corridor.

yeah that sucked. but there was also this one time he met a girl in a coffee shop:

smelling the sweet chocolate smell from his hot chocolate, tendou smiled widely, ready to start his homework. he had been a little stressed lately, with the pressure of being such a high achieving student getting to him a little, so eita had recommended he do his studying somewhere calm, like a coffee shop. eita also said that coffee shops are where most guys find the love of their lives. he may have just said that because that's where he had found his girlfriend at the time, though. they ended up breaking up after two months, so they weren't really each other's one true love, were they?

a girl walked in, the bell drawing tendou's attention. her skin was a lot darker than most, she was probably foreign. her hair was a dark inky black, a running theme in girls that tendou found attractive. her lips were plump, her nose was on the larger side, too. she was so different. so pretty. as she walked towards the counter, he tried to guess her ethnicity, as he rummaged through memories of foreign films he had watched. she definitely seemed asian, but not on the eastern side. maybe middle eastern? or south asian? he couldn't tell. 

she had received her chosen drink, and walked over to a chair and table, before pulling out her phone. she sat down two tables away from tendou, physically facing him. she seemed older and had a very professional vibe around her. pulling out her phone, tendou made sure he wasn't just staring at her directly and resumed to look at his homework. until he heard what she said.

"hey. yeah." she giggled, twirling a hair in her fingers. her japanese was fluent and perfect, she was definitely a business woman of some sorts. "yeah, i'm at that coffee shop you told me about. mhm. no i just got here. but…" she held her gaze on tendou's, and he froze a little. was she going to be the love of his life? he felt the heat raise to his cheeks but it suddenly stopped once he heard her say, "there's this freaky looking boy staring at me and it's making me uncomfortable." 

oh.

yeah, tendou's experiences with women weren't the best. he had loads of encounters with them, but them two were the only two he had thought he had a chance with, other than nozomi-san whom he no longer wants to think about. when was everyone going to get over how he looked and realise that he's actually just a really decent guy? never, probably. tendou had a dream once that even in his coffin, there would be at least one person laughing at his looks.

"curfew gone."

oh not now. please not now. tendou liked living in his head once every while. he liked drowning himself in his thoughts while walking. couldn't ushijima just leave him alone?

"yeah? then why are you out here?" he asked, giving ushijima a bored look to let him know that he wasn't wanted.

"i don't know." 

tendou glared at how the boy resumed his minimal talking, which for some reason disappeared the other day when he was lying on the floor. 

"then shut up and leave me alone." he hissed, before walking off. as he brushed past ushijima, he felt his calloused (although still soft) hand tug on his elbow. "what?" he snapped, his patience dying by the second.

"i'm sorry." he apologised, his eyes heavy with guilt as he looked down at tendou's bruise that he had left on him. "i didn't mean to hurt you that much." his gaze lingered on the bruise, before he lifted his free hand and brushed it against tendou's stomach. his fingers were cold, and large, and made for punching people in the stomach, but the way they traced the bruise was so light and gentle, it left a strange feeling in tendou's stomach. 

they both remained there, with tendou standing awkwardly with his hands still buried in his pockets, staring at ushijima as his attention was focused on his bruise. tendou felt his heart rate increase, and he felt his cheeks flush very heavily. confused with the stupid feelings in his head, face and stomach, he pushed ushijima, scowling at him. 

"i don't know who the fuck you think you are! or where you come from! but that's considered sexual harassment round here!" he yelled, the heat never leaving his cheeks. embarrassed, tendou didn't know whether his cheeks were bright red or not but they sure felt like it.

"huh?" ushijima's eyes rounded, and he pulled his fingers back quickly, probably scared at what tendou had just accused him of. the warmth of his fingers suddenly leaving, left another strange feeling in tendou's stomach, and it was getting a little too much for his head. "i-i-i didn't mean to." he stuttered, something tendou hadn't seen before. 

an aching silence fell between them, and tendou lifted his glance to look at ushijima only to see him staring at the ground blankly, but a huge blush sat across both of his cheeks. ushijima always ruined everything, always got in the way of everything, always interfered in everything.

shoving him again, tendou stormed off. he was a few seconds away from the taller boy, when an idea popped into his head and he rushed back to ushijima. 

"in case you ever do this to someone ever again, especially to a girl, this is what you should say." 

"but i'm never going to do it again."

"no, even if you accidentally touch someone, you should say this."

"you told him to say what?!" eita screamed, before he burst into a fit of laughter, clutching his stomach and throwing his head back. "you're gonna get him in prison!" he cried, slamming his fists against the arm of the chair.

tendou wiped his tears that fell from his eyes with his finger and the bottom of his palm. "we need to be there if he uses it! or else there was no point." they couldn't stop laughing.

was this the perfect payback? maybe. so long as ushijima feels the same mortification tendou felt, then he's all for it.

eita and tendou had waited three days to hear ushijima use the phrase tendou had taught him, but he was clearly traumatised by the way tendou screamed at him for touching him 'inappropriately', because he hadn't touched anyone at all in that time. he was so careful with every step he took, his arms glued to his side like an army soldier and the boys were getting impatient. they had come up with a plan to push him into someone so that he would say it, and so they could witness the mess that would happen after.

now that they were walking down the corridor, which was rather packed, tendou watched as ushijima made sure he was slow and steady so that he didn't bump into anyone. "now."

eita pretended to trip up, and crash into ushijima's back, which ended up with the latter stumbling on his feet. they had aimed for him to fall onto a girl, a tiny shy girl who would be terrified of the giant saying something so…absurd. however, ushijima was a lot stronger and controlled his fall, but that didn't stop him from nudging someone on the shoulder. a frail little...boy. 

"you had one job!" tendou whisper shouted and smacked eita on the head. 

"ow! we'll try aga-"

"i want to push you against my bed and have you screaming out so loud my neighbours will hear."

the entire corridor froze in place, everyone hesitantly turned to find who the fuck said that. eita and tendou looked at each other wide eyed, before they broke into a fit of laughter. they couldn't believe that ushijima actually said what he said.

"who said that?!" someone called out.

"was it tendou-kun?!"

tendou choked, "no! it wasn't-!" the fear that his plan had backfired worried him.

"no, it was way too deep to be his voice!"

eita elbowed tendou at his side, to look at the boy ushijima had said that to. and holy shit. he was crying, fear engraved in his face as ushijima repeated that he was sorry over and over again. the two boys who caused the whole mess broke out again, with eita wheezing, and tendou silently laughing with tears brimming down both of their cheeks as he leaned on eita who was leaning against the lockers. 

"it was ushijima-kun!"

"ushijima wakatoshi?!" everyone started laughing, and asking questions, extremely confused.

this situation was probably far worse than tendou's, minus the physical pain. he did feel a little bad, seeing ushijima so puzzled and anxious, but it was way too hilarious for him to care. 

"if someone bows, you pat them on the head before bowing back." tendou tried to fake a sincere smile, his smirk tugging at his lips as he watched ushijima try to process what he was telling him to do. try to process the lie he was telling him to do.

"but, i have never seen anyone do that before." the effect of what happened in the corridor a few hours ago still hadn't left him, as tendou noticed how stiff he was, how little his movements were, how he refused to speak to anyone but tendou.

"well, i presume as soon as you arrived in japan you came to school, right? you haven't been in a situation to see it yet." he patted him on the back, like the good old friend he is. he felt a little down missing practice and he needed the thrill of seeing ushijima being humiliated to bring him back up again.

"oh. okay." 

the trust ushijima held for tendou went right over his head, he was blinded. blinded by his inexplicable pent up feelings he hid from even himself. ushijima patted tendou on the back too, imitating him. he was trying to be friendly, trying to be comfortable, he needed someone to cave into but he didn't know how and he was trying best. tendou could see that, but he couldn't see that it was him that ushijima wanted to cave into. the pat was a little hard, pulling a hiss from the redhead who flinched at the touch. the bruises on his back throbbed a bit.

"s-sorry!" ushijima stuttered again, and rubbed his rough hand softly against tendou's back in circles. the feeling of his warm hand, followed by his strong gaze, had tendou's stomach churning again. it felt like butterflies, but it also felt like vomit. he let out a shaky breath, almost leaning into ushijima's touch but stopped himself and stormed off again.

peeking, tendou had to make sure nobody was in the showers so that he could step in. he never usually showered in the evenings, but he felt like he had to. his body was heating up, his feet were light, his heart was beating way too fast for his liking. at first he thought he was panicking again; an attack or something. but it felt different, it felt lighter. it didn't feel like a strain on his body pulling him down to the earth's core. it felt like something was pulling him up, and he didn't know why. it was so frustrating. he did, however, note that this has now happened twice, and both times it was after he met up with ushijima. what was that boy doing to him?

he let the water trickle down his body, let it soak in his hair, let it relieve him from the stress of ushijima. he cleared his head whilst running his hands through his hair.

hands.

ushijima's hands were so rough, so calloused, so chafed. but they became so delicate and subtle when they touched him. they were so warm that the heat from his hands had radiated to tendou's cheeks. feeling them against his abdomen the other day, was so soothing, so calming. if he could, tendou would have stayed there forever just feeling the way ushijima's hands caressed him so perfectly.

shaking his head, tendou was annoyed that he was thinking about ushijima again. he was showering so that he could forget him, not be thinking about him even more. he grabbed his favourite bottle of shampoo before applying it to his hair.

hair.

tendou was reminded of when he wrapped the towel around ushijima's soft, short, olive hair. he remembered how it felt to rake his fingers through his soaking locks, how his head felt so close to his chest. they were so close.

"fucking hell." he uttered, swiping his hand over his face before pressing it against the cold wall. he was going insane.

even when he went towards the mirror to see the improvement in his bruises, he remembered ushijima's smile he gave him through it. the genuine smile that made his heart flutter. the genuine smile that ushijima had never showed anyone but him. to him. for him.

even when he went to put his pants on, he remembered the way ushijima looked with his wet hair, bare top half, and joggers. 

he needed to sleep. this was getting too far. 

"not asleep?" 

huh. now way. there was no way ushijima was in his bedroom. absolutely no way. 

"satori?" 

satori? he was using his first name? when did he even get the nerve? tendou growled and rolled over, pulling his blanket over his head. he'd had enough of ushijima for one day, thank you very much. 

he felt a hand on his arm - a very very familiar hand - as it shook him gently.

"satoriiii?" 

getting up, tendou was about to shout before he realised that ushijima was practically crouched on top of him, on all fours, and his face was just a few inches away from his. 

"satori?" 

tendou gulped. what the fuck was happening? why couldn't he move? why was ushijima on top of him? why were their faces so close? questions and after questions after questions spiralled in tendou's mind.

until he woke up, and shot out of bed for a second time, only this time he had cold sweat dripping down his forehead and there was nobody in front of him.

a dream? a dream about ushijima? 

he breathed heavily, clutching onto his pajama shirt as though he'd had a nightmare. well, he did. he had a nightmare about ushijima. he was haunting him. couldn't even get away from him in his sleep, for fucks sake. 

tendou checked the clock, only to find out it was 3am. he was finally healthy and stable enough to join in on volleyball practice, and he couldn't even get any sleep. sleep deprivation and morning practice did not go hand in hand at all. groaning, tendou tried to go back to sleep again.

"hi senpai!" goshiki was probably the only person who seemed to care that tendou was back on the team. of course he missed his amazing senpai. "i've been practicing what you said, and i think i've really improved!" he beamed, causing tendou to lazily ruffle his hair and hum in amusement.

he hadn't gotten any sleep, everytime he got anywhere near doing so, the sound of ushijima calling his first name would appear again, causing him to stay awake the entire night. so he had to suffer with first morning practice back, all thanks to ushijima. always ruining everything.

"hi." ushijima waddled over, innocently. as if he hadn't been messing up tendou's head for the entirety of the day before. 

tendou hummed almost inaudibly in response, he really did not want to see him. 

"run with me." he panted, to which tendou looked up at him and noticed he was jogging on the spot. 

"no." 

all of a sudden ushijima bowed a perfect 90° bow, with his arms stuck to his sides, his palms wide open and his head facing the floor. "please." 

seeing ushijima bow brought back memories of what tendou asked him to do earlier, so in loving memory of that, he patted his head before bowing back. just to make the lie more realistic.

"okay, i will." he smirked, which was returned with an almost-ushijima-smile. why did he want to run with him anyway?

deciding to run with ushijima at 6:30 am was probably the worst decision tendou had ever made in his entire life. they were streets ahead of everyone else, tendou barely catching up with the faster boy. even his lungs struggled to catch up with him, releasing shaky, heavy breaths as he ran. his forehead, underarms, chest, and ass were sweating like they never had before, driving him mad. he looked up to see ushijima who looked to be completely fine, whereas tendou felt like he was going to throw up. 

"ten more minutes, tendou-kun."

"ten?!" he groaned, before choosing to stop and lean against a tree. there was no way he was going to run again. not that fast, anyway. 

ushijima caught on a few seconds later that tendou wasn't behind him, so he turned around and jogged back to him. "why stop? only ten more minutes." he huffed, to which tendou simply overdramatically wailed at and dragged his body down, his back glued to the tree, so that he was sat on the floor.

"go" pant "without" pant "me" pant. he couldn't control his breathing, and it was increasing by the second. 

"are you okay, tendou-kun?" ushijima asked, his feet still jogging on the spot. 

tendou felt his chest uncontrollably and uncomfortably rise up and down in a worrying pace, as his head began to stir wildly. "water," he breathed, "i need water." clearly, the two week long break from any sort of physical training put a strain on his already frail body, and running beyond his limits on his first day back, plus the sleep deprivation, had his body reacting like crazy. it wasn't used to this. he was hyperventilating.

ushijima disappeared out of sight, and tendou only grew increasingly worse. he could feel the vomit piling at the back of his throat, and it was so close to coming out. trembling, tendou grabbed the little rubbish bin that was a foot away from him, and released all of his insides into it. 

after he had threw up, tendou heard shouting from inside the corner shop ushijima had run into to get a bottle of water. 

"who the hell do you think you are?! are you mocking me?!" an old man, probably in his fifties or sixties, had his voice so loud it was croaking.

"sir, please-" ushijima retaliated softly.

oh no. he patted his head, didn't he? 

tendou felt a little better now that he had vomited, so he pulled himself up, his limbs still wobbly and the muscles in his legs and abdomen still sore, and made his way into the store to help the mess that he had inevitably created. 

"come on, ushijima-kun, just buy the water and leave." he sighed, one hand leaning against the cashier desk and another on ushijima's shoulder.

"if you think you can just waltz in here and pull you friend out-"

"sir, he's canadian, cut him some slack, will ya?"

the old man grunted, and tightened his grip on his walking stick, before hesitantly stumbling away. 

this would have been funny had tendou not almost passed out a minute ago. how sad.

"i'll buy it now, tendou-kun." ushijima lifted one hand so that it landed on the small of tendou's back, while he paid for the two bottles of water in his other. tendou let it slide just this once, even if his heart was bouncing in his chest angrily, (was it really anger, though?) since he was barely standing up on his own.

they were sat on a bench, waiting for the others to arrive and tendou decided he'd just run with eita when they did. his body had completely shut down, there was no way he'd be able to join in on the practice morning matches. 

"i'm sorry." tendou turned to see ushijima with his head hung low, and his eyelids flickering with guilt. a small action nobody would have probably noticed, but tendou did.

"what for?" tendou asked. he didn't know why he did, he knew why ushijima was apologising.

"i…" he looked up, gaze locked onto tendou's and they both sat still for about thirty seconds, waiting for someone to say something. until tendou huffed and looked away, ushijima's gaze being too heavy for him to handle. "i feel like, whenever you're with me, you get hurt." 

tendou laughed, but quickly frowned as that hurt the muscles in his abdomen. "shut up, it's not your fault." he mumbled, sipping a drink of his water since he didn't really know what to say.

"if i didn't bow-" 

"i said shut up. i'm the one that said okay. it's my fault." ushijima still had his head facing in tendou's direction, his eyes still on tendou's face. but the latter had his eyes on the ground, this was so awkward. 

unexpectedly, tendou felt the very familiar large hand on top of his head, ruffling his hair. he stopped, held his breath unknowingly, as his eyes widened. what. the. hell. "uh.."

"i saw you do that to tsutomu-kun, so-" 

"shut up." tendou repeated, but didn't make any attempt to lift ushijima's hand off his head. the latter continued to let his fingers intertwine with tendou's red locks, as he just sat there sulking, pretending as though this wasn't the best thing he had felt in days. the way ushijima's fingers massaged his hair and scalp felt so dreamy, tendou almost forgot how much pain he was in. the tension built up in his body disappeared slowly, as he let loose and leaned into ushijima's touch. before he even knew it, he had his head leaned against the taller's shoulder. 

with his heavy eyelids, tendou fell asleep against the person he claimed he hated the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh, did u like it?? this chapter is my personal fave and i tried to update as quickly as i could for u guys bc i felt bad rip,, but i really wanna know what everyone thinks pls hehe <3


	6. knock knock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eita is straight prove me wrong

grumpy, tendou trodded back to school on eita's tiny back. his shoulders were far from broad and his waist was miserably slim, so tendou barely had anything to wrap his very long arms and legs around. he was grumpy for multiple reasons, really. he was grumpy he threw up thanks to that awful run, he was grumpy he could barely move thanks to that awful run, and he was very grumpy that he fell asleep on ushijima out of all the people in the world, thanks to that awful run. tendou concluded he was never running again. no matter how much he loved volleyball - he was sticking to jogging. 

"you two looked cute," eita snorted, causing tendou to lazily roll his eyes and slap his chest in frustration, "like a couple."

"shut up. if i hear you mention that ever again, to me or to anyone else, i swear i will kill you." he groaned, before nuzzling his head against his friend's soft ash blonde hair. 

"oh, don't worry, i won't be telling anyone." the way he slyly said the word 'telling' made tendou open an eye suspiciously, waiting for him to explain. he watched as eita fiddled in his pocket before he pulled out his phone and flipped it open, revealing a picture of tendou's worst nightmare. seeing that eita had secretly snapped a picture of tendou snoozing on ushijima's shoulder, brought a new found energy in him as he jumped off eita's back and jumped at him to grab the phone.

"you piece of shit! delete it now!" he yelled, annoyed that even though eita was, quite embarrassingly, a lot shorter than him, he still couldn't get the phone. 

"no!" he laughed.

they twisted, and pushed, and fought, and eita only came to a sudden stop when his phone rang, and tendou saw that as an easy opportunity to grab it. "ha! now where's the dele-" reading over the caller ID, tendou saw an unfamiliar name. "miyu-chan?" he asked, slowly turning his head to see eita with a huge flush on his face. shocked, tendou gasped, and lifted his hand to his mouth. "semisemiiii? who's miyu-chan?" he smirked, edging closer towards his friend who was speechless and refused to answer him. "is she your…girlfriend?" he whispered the last word right onto eita's ear, to which the boy simply scoffed at and asked for his phone back. 

"no! i still need to delete the picture!"

eita sighed, rolled his eyes, crossed his arms and tapped his foot in anticipation, waiting for tendou who purposely room his sweet time, eyeing eita's very flustered self. "done." he smiled, handing his friend the phone, before jumping back on his back. "and by the looks of it, we have a long way to. and you have a lot to tell me, lover boy." he patted the middle of eita's chest, to which he simply huffed at before preparing the story.

"are you kidding me?!" tendou gawked once eita put him down on his bed on the lower bunk. 

"shut up."

to put it simple, 'miyu-chan' was just a crush. tendou slouched and pouted, "you should ask her out, she clearly likes you if she's calling you at 7 am."

as already discussed, tendou has had very few interactions with girls, which all ended up horribly. however, eita was lucky that he was born with the face of a god, tendou liked to say. he was very attractive, and for some reason girls were drawn to his natural scowl that always sat on his face. tendou would always watch how girls in class would eye his best friend secretly, and he found it pretty funny. eita had had a few girlfriends in the past, but none of them were serious since he was too focused on volleyball and school work to care about anniversaries or birthdays or even dates. tendou wondered if he would be the same in a relationship, whether he'd draw all of his attention to his girlfriend, whether he'd be into things like pda or not, whether he would take her out on fun dates. but it wasn't like he was getting one anyway, so why worry about it?

"she just got out of a relationship," he shrugged, slumping onto the floor next to his friend, drawing a magazine from under the bed, "she said she's not ready for another one." he frowned, drawing circles on the cover with his index finger.

tendou turned, groaning along the way with how his body ached, "she's using you, you know." he looked at his friend sadly who shot his head up.

"no she isn't, who said that?"

tendou flashed him a sad smile, "i know you know that, too, that's why you haven't asked her out." 

eita shifted his shaky gaze back to the magazine, his body following and curling up. "whatever." he mumbled under his breath, and tendou understood straight away. 'whatever' in eita's dictionary meant that he didn't want to talk about whatever he was talking about anymore. he was a silent sufferer, and tendou chose to respect that, since he was almost the same. 

tendou decided to change the topic to something that had absently been on his mind since he woke up. "what did, uh, ushiji- uh, ushijima-kun say when you guys came?" he asked, flipping back onto his back to soothe the pain that had grown on his side. he was a little worried his stuttering would give off the wrong impression of why he asked, even though he was unsure himself.

"uh, nothing really. just said you threw up and fell asleep because you-" he lifted his fist to cover his laugh, "were incapable to run at his level of lengths." he choked, stifling a laugh through his fist.

tendou froze, that was definitely not what he was expecting. "he said...what?" he asked again, offended. ushijima was so god damn annoying it was infuriating. 

eita laughed, throwing his head back. "he wasn't wrong though. how'd you end up this beaten from a run?" 

"are you-?! i've not moved from my bed for weeks and all of a sudden he's dragging me behind him for miles!" 

eita quietened down once he realised tendou wasn't laughing with him, "sorry," he chuckled.

at one point, ushijima is asking him for help. at another, he's punching him in the stomach. and then he wants tendou to run with him. and then he makes fun of him because he can't run. tendou punched the underside of the top bunk, hissing when he realised that was a stupid idea and crossed his arm in exasperation. ushijima kept changing and changing, and tendou had absolutely no idea what type of person he was at all and it was driving him insane. 

literature came around, a monotonous two hours of hell. tendou despised his literature teacher, she was so boring and was so old she could barely talk loud enough for the back row to hear. literature in itself was so useless and tedious, tendou had wished over and over that it just disappeared. who cares about poetry, or 19th century novels, or old plays? absolutely nobody. where was this going to get him in life?

however, tendou was an A student. he couldn't be achieving As in all of his other subjects only for literature to be an F. so, for the past two years he engaged in lessons, read ahead on everything that was on the spec, printed out texts and analysed them, memorised all the important quotes, and even joined a literature club when he felt like all else would fail. he lost that energy in the third year, thinking that he knew enough japanese literature to keep him on his feet, or at least get him a decent B. so now, he concluded that literature was on his list for lessons he could sleep through.

that was, until, ushijima was put next to him. the poor boy was struggling with modern japanese as it is, let alone ancient scripts that were full of metaphors and other confusing things that said one thing but meant something completely different.

"excuse me, sir?" tendou asked, making sure he heard that right.

"i want you to give ushijima-kun out of hours japanese literature lessons."

"you want me to tutor him?" he couldn't believe it, that would be an extra three hours with him a week.

"he's falling behind, tendou-kun, i'm sure you'll understand how difficult this is for him. he came to me directly and asked for help." the headteacher said, sitting comfortably at his desk instead of getting a real teacher, whose job was to teach students, to help ushijima rather than a student.

"yeah, you want me to teach him two years worth of work, whilst he's learning the third year's work. and on top of that, his japanese isn't good enough for him to understand this kind of stuff..sir." he quietened, realising he shouldn't talk to the headteacher like that.

"are you saying that he isn't mentally capable of learning japanese literature?"

tendou huffed, annoyed that the headteacher was guilt piling him, "no i'm saying it's unrealistic." 

the headteacher leaned forward on his desk, making tendou nervous, "anything is possible," he whispered, pulling a silent growl from the redhead. 

"yes sir." 

"why would he want someone to strangle him?" ushijima asked, very visibly concerned with what tendou had just read out. 

"no, ushijima-kun," tendou sighed, rubbing his hand across his face, pulling his under eyes and lips along the way. "it's a metaphor, he wants somebody to take control of his life because he's finding it hard to do so."

"why?"

tendou wanted nothing more than to rip his locks from his scalp and wrap them around ushijima's neck. he hated tutoring. (unless it was teaching his little goshiki how to spike against an excellent blocker like himself) 

"he's lost his job, his wife has left him, his kids are starving, he's about to lose his house. he's lost control of his life and he wants someone to step in and do it all for him." tendou explained, on the verge of giving up. 

"why doesn't he just get a job?" 

"ushiji- okay look, this is the 1200s, do you think it's easy to just get a job out of nowhere?"

"i don't know, i wasn't born then," he shrugged.

this brought tendou's mind back to when he was wondering why ushijima found it so hard to laugh at jokes. was there actually something wrong with him? 

"let's just say, this man was you. you...i don't know, let's say you broke your leg and you can't play volleyball for the rest of your life, what would you do?" tendou asked, thinking maybe if he used something ushijima seemed serious about, maybe he'd get it.

ushijima froze, his gaze on his interlaced fingers while his thumbs fiddled with each other. he was thinking, well, trying to anyway. it was probably a difficult question since tendou figured ushijima didn't care about anything other than volleyball. 

"i think i get it." he whispered, head still hung low at the thought of never doing volleyball ever again. 

"knock knock." an idea had suddenly popped into tendou's head. ushijima had to know how to answer that, everyone knew about knock knock jokes.

"who's there?" he responded rather quickly, not to tendou's surprise.

"dejav." tendou hesitated a little, questioning whether that was a little too hard.

ushijima blinked twice, before shifting his body so that it faced tendou's and answering, "dejav who?"

tendou smirked, taking in all the new information he was receiving from that small movement. "knock knock." he faked a giggle, seeing if the taller would follow along.

ushijima took a second to process what tendou said, before the corners of his lips lifted and he released the tiniest chuckle tendou had ever heard in his life. he brought his hand to his lips to cover less than a second after, but it was enough to get a reaction from tendou who was now staring at ushijima wide-eyed with his jaw dropped. 

"you laughed! i've never seen you laugh before." he laughed back, finding it funny how this has got him so surprised. ushijima's laugh was cute, it was like a little child's laugh and tendou couldn't stop replaying it in his head. so he did get jokes, but only when he knew they were coming. "knock knock," tendou found himself saying again.

ushijima legs shifted awkwardly under the table, but he still answered nonetheless, "who's there?" his voice sounded different this time, it was a voice of anticipation.

"figs." tendou's excitement was growing, waiting, for ushijima to laugh again.

his eyes moved to the ceiling, probably trying to guess the answer, followed by his index finger tapping on the table for the same reason. just like a little kid, tendou thought. "hmm, figs who?" he said once he had given up trying to figure it out.

"figs the doorbell, it's broken." these jokes were so bad, so unfunny, but tendou still laughed, hoping that ushijima would follow along.

his lips pursed after a few seconds of trying to get the joke, before he turned his head to release another mini laugh. tendou couldn't get enough of how olive boy looked.

"knock knoooock." he repeated edging towards olive boy to get a closer look at his face. all other thoughts had left his mind, he just wanted to see olive boy laugh innocently again, and he didn't even stop think why.

"who's there?" olive boy turned his head, a small genuine smile sat on his lips as his eyes shone underneath the room's light. tendou had never taken the time to see what olive boy really looked like, and he was so strangely breathtaking he almost forgot to carry on the joke.

"cash-"

"cash who?" olive boy replied almost immediately, taking the redhead by surprise as his head jolted back a little, a huge smile on both of their faces: olive boy's smile was one of eagerness, and tendou's was one of surprise and curiosity.

"no thanks, i like peanuts." tendou waited those few seconds for it to clock in olive boy's mind, before witnessing something that he never thought would be so endearing to see. 

olive boy was laughing, loud and clear. his head shook from left to right, his hand cupped his stomach and his shoulders jumped up and down as he laughed. 

tendou caught himself staring at olive boy, and he didn't know why. he couldn't take his eyes off the new sight, he found it so mesmerising - seeing olive boy in a completely new light. after a little while, he joined in, his hand unconsciously going to the other's back as they both sat there laughing over a stupid knock knock joke.

"you're good at jokes, tendou-kun." he took his pencil in his hand and rubbed his thumb along the edge of it.

tendou smiled, nodding, "yeah, i guess i am."

the next morning they showered together in a comforting silence, and tendou couldn't help but notice how olive boy spent a little more time on his body than usual, his fingers moving a lot lighter and slower in his hair, his arm not as stiff when he scrubbed his body, his face not as stiff when he held it under the showerhead. something had changed.

"do you have any more jokes, tendou-kun?" he asked as he pulled his shorts back on and waddled into the locker rooms shortly after tendou did.

tendou smiled to himself, memories of the night before pooling into his mind as he remembered the way olive boy laughed and how real it was. he still hadn't figured out why he liked seeing him laugh so much, he stayed up the majority of the night thinking of reasons why. "yeah," he chuckled, shaking his head to get rid of any excess water in his hair, "knock knock."

"who's there?" olive boy asked, putting on his pants.

"broken pencil." tendou sat down, and drew all his attention to the taller boy who was now drying his abs with his towel, waiting to see the smile he had been dying to see all night. 

olive boy stopped once he had put his tank top on, something tendou had never seen on him before. it hugged his abdomen and small waist, the ring around his shoulder hugging his deltoids perfectly. god, if tendou was a girl he'd have fainted by now. "aahh, i know what you're gonna say," he smiled leaning down so that he was face to face with tendou who was still sat on the bench, his body leaning against his arms that were behind him holding onto the edge of the bench. their faces were only a few inches apart again, and tendou's heart exploded into that awkward stupid feeling that spread across his body again as he felt the heat raise to his cheeks, but he didn't move, didn't want olive boy to know. 

"what?" he giggled.

"nevermind, it's pointless!" his eyebrows raised as he laughed at the joke, his husky voice sounding so attractive when he laughed. but his face; the purity and innocence that sat on his face almost blinded tendou as he did nothing but stare at it. when olive boy got up again and walked towards the towel cupboard, tendou felt a little colder, like olive boy had held a strange warmth around him. "i've heard that one before, it's good." his laughter quietened down but his smile never left his face.

tendou let out a shaky breath he never knew he was holding, followed by a smile as he got up and walked towards olive boy. "you want me to do the towel for you?" he asked before he gave himself a second to process it.

olive boy faced him with the towel already in his hand, a slight tint to his cheeks, "i know how to do it, now." 

tendou knew that, he had watched olive boy do it himself for the past few days, but he still wanted to do it for him. "i know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a filler chap to build on their friendship,, but uhh pls leave a comment of what u wanna see in the next chap bc im running out of ideas


	7. sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter is very much hurt/comfort but i Promise you're gonna love it muahahaha
> 
> tw: anxiety attack and a little blood mentioned in the first few paragraphs

it had been a week since tendou and olive boy bonded over knock knock jokes.

now tendou was hiding in the caretaker's closet, tears brimming down his cheeks as he held onto his burning chest. his eye was swollen and oozing with pain, blood and drool were dribbling from his lips as he continued to quietly sob out of pure fear and pain. his uneven breathing wouldn't stop, and tendou felt that heavy weight dragging him down again. his entire body was shaking, he had never had it this bad before. his attacks had never been this bad before. this was pure panic, pure terror, pure pain. all this time he was breaking, but tendou was sure now he was broken. completely broken. he fell apart as soon as he locked the door behind him and sat on the floor. he fell apart as soon as he realised this was never going to stop. he fell apart as soon as he realised he really was a freak. nobody has ever truly loved him, nobody other than his parents. everybody on his volleyball team probably only liked him for his talent, that or they just felt bad for him. 

eita. he needed eita. he'd already cried in front of him once, so it should be okay for him to do it again. trembling, tendou tried to open his phone, but it slipped between his fingers, ripping another cry from his throat as he realised how helpless he was. on all fours, on the ground, shivering, weeping, drooling, bleeding. he was a mess. tendou let out a little laugh between his cries at the thought of how disgusting and awful and messy and hideous he probably looked. 

the memory of the way eita held and rocked and hugged tendou when he cried in front of him repeated in his head, and he wanted that again. he wanted somebody to hold onto, anyone. he wanted someone to tell him it was going to be okay, even if both of them knew it wasn't.

and as if right on cue, there was a knock at the door, "knock knock," followed a rather cheerful voice. olive boy.

sniffling, tendou got up, in desperate need of comfort. he completely forgot his promise to himself to keep himself strong in front of everyone. opening the door, he was met with a smiling olive boy who's eyes widened slightly, ever so slightly, at the sight of tendou's disheveled state. silence swallowed them both, as olive boy awkwardly let himself inside the narrow room.

"are you okay? did you get in a fight again?" 

fight? if you call being trapped on the floor by school chairs and punched in the face a fight, then yeah, tendou thought. scoffing, he dragged his back along the door and returned to his little position on the floor. he leaned his head back against the door and squeezed his eyes shut, all the while olive boy just stood there quietly. 

"no," tendou sighed.

"then what happened?" through his ears, tendou could hear olive boy sit down due to the way his large body knocked around a few objects and the way he shuffled on the ground to get closer to him. "your eye looks bad, tendou-kun, you should get it checked out."

tendou laughed, a quite frightening one too. "i will, don't worry."

"what's so funny?" olive boy asked and tendou couldn't help but open his eyes so he could see what kind of look was on his face. his eyes were a little rounder than usual, and his lips fell in a tiny pout. he was concerned, and confused, and maybe even a little scared of how nauseating the redhead looked. 

"you." tendou wanted eita. he needed eita. he needed eita's stupidly long arms to wrap around him and pull him together again. he thought maybe he could confide in olive boy, but he couldn't gather up the strength to do so. "pretending like you care, it's funny." tendou's breath was shaky between his words, but he tried his best to hold himself together with his own version of tape and glue: fake smiles and laughs.

"i'm not pretending? here i'll-" 

"just shut up." 

olive boy sighed, and reached his arms out so that they landed on either side of tendou's arms. the latter froze, and looked at olive boy with dumbstruck eyes. "there are no plants in here, but my hair kind of looks like a bu-ush, doesn't it?" he pointed to his head with his eyes closed and beamed at tendou, so bright tendou felt like he was staring at the sun. tracing olive boy's face with his eyes, he gazed up at his hair, and he could feel his heartbeat go slower and slower. it was amazing, how something as simple as plants, or hair, could calm tendou down, could lift the heavy load on his chest, could freeze his tears and lips. "i'm not pretending, tendou-kun, i do care."

before tendou could even smile at olive boy's words, he continued to say something that made him angry again, "but i need you to tell me why you fighted ten-"

"ushijima-kun!" tendou cried, the bush of hair not working at all as all the old feelings returned to him. panting, he continued to shout at olive boy, "it wasn't a fight! you're so stupid, wh-why can't you tell?! stop blaming it on me, it's them!" terrified that he had broken down in front of olive boy, tendou covered his face with his arms and pursued to pour out his soul. he whimpered into his arms, body trembling underneath the taller boy's touch. "th-the-they hurt me, i don't engage in anything! i just exist, and they hate me. i breathe and get kicked in the lungs, for fucks sake. it's not me, please please stop saying that. it hurts. everytime you pin the blame on me, ushijima-kun, it hurts like fucking hell." 

the familiar calloused hand that was on tendou's shoulder lifted to rake through his hair, and pushed him closer so that his forehead landed onto olive boy's shoulder. too distracted by the way his tears wouldn't stop calling from his eyes, tendou didn't care as he brought his arms under olive boy's to wrap around his waist, and carried on crying. 

this went on for about half an hour.

"are you okay now? you stop crying." olive boy asked, his chin resting in between tendou's tall locks of hair.

nuzzling his head further into olive boy's shoulder, tendou didn't care. as much as he didn't want to admit it, he enjoyed being in his embrace. olive boy had such a perfect frame, so perfect, tendou felt as though it was made for him. he was so big and muscular, and tendou was slim and fragile; it was perfect. he didn't want to let go, he wished he could stay in that hold forever. being in olive boy's arms made him forget everything around him, even his eye. oh. his eye.

"your eye should be treated," olive boy muttered under his breath, his voice fanning tendou's hair. 

"later," tendou exhaled, hoisting his arms up to wrap around olive boy's neck. tendou had never been this affectionate in his life, not with his parents, or childhood friends, or eita - he was different now, he was just bits and pieces now. he was a ripped up and crippled photo, and olive boy was the picture frame. "let's jus' stay like this...s'more." he muffled into the neck, rubbing his nose along it. he came to a stop once he realised olive boy's body heat had dramatically increased, and looked up to him curiously. "wha's the matter?" he mumbled, his lips barely moving as he spoke and his voice barely a whisper. 

olive boy's entire face and neck were flushed red, as he gulped and looked at tendou worriedly, "i don't know, am i sick?"

tendou recognised the blush on his cheeks, he's seen it on eita all the time, he knew what it was. but what he didn't know, was why it was happening. "are you embarrassed, do you want me to get off-"

"no." he shook his head, eyes never leaving tendou's as he swallowed another gulp.

confused, tendou could feel the way his heart fluttered just like that time he met asami-san in the corridors, and when he met that business woman in the coffee shop. it was the same, but stronger. his heartbeat was ringing in his ears but for all the right, yet unaware reasons. holding olive boy felt right, gazing into his dark green eyes felt right, everything about this felt right.

but it was so wrong. tendou was into girls, not guys. since when has he ever stared at a boy longer than he was now? he figured maybe it was because he was in pain, maybe his emotions were getting the better of him. he was straight. there was no way he could ever like olive boy like that. a little frightened of his own thoughts, tendou released his hold and moved himself back a little bit.

"i said no," olive boy reached out to him again, only for tendou to softly swat his arm away and look at the floor. "tendou-kun?"

tendou's mind was going crazy with hundreds of different thoughts. why was it that when he moved away from olive boy it didn't feel right? why did he want to be cuddled by him? what was going on?

"i-i need to go." he whispered, but once he got up, all the previous pain that wounded his face that he had forgotten over the course of the past half hour came hurling back at him like a truck. he hissed, holding his eye with one hand and using the other to hold himself up against the door. 

"let me help you," as much as tendou wanted to refuse, afraid he'd fall into his touch again, he had to accept. there was no way he'd be able to make it to the nurse's office on his own. 

"dude," eita grimaced, "your eye is so disgusting oh my god."

tendou groaned in return, hitting his best friend's lap, "shut up, i know."

"who was it?" he asked, a little more sorrowful than before. his hand made his way to tendou's thigh to squeeze it in reassurance. 

"kiyoshi, that bitch." tendou mumbled, blocking out the light with his arm as it made him wince. "hey, why do you always ask that? it's not like you ever beat them up or anything." 

they both laughed at the memory of eita's first time stepping up to one of tendou's bullies. "jus' wanna know," he shrugged. "you know i beat up sakamoto once?"

"daisuke?! that guy's almost as big as ushijima-kun!" 

"uh, no sakamoto banko." he whispered, a little embarrassed.

tendou laughed loudly, throwing his head back, "that doesn't count that guy's a twig!" 

"a twig that talked shit about you behind your back," eita added, a frown on his face. 

"okay, okay, thank you semisemi," tendou smiled, patting eita's hand that sat on his thigh. "also i wanna tell you something but you can't tell anybody else, okay?" what tendou said next felt wrong, felt so mean and awful, but he had to say it, for his own selfish good. once eita nodded, he said, "i think ushijima's gay."

eita looked like he was taken aback, which was understandable. what tendou said was random and unexpected, and really shocking, so it made sense. "uh… how do you know?" he asked, his voice raising at the end a little, still trying to process what tendou said.

"he caught me crying, and 'cause i was sad and you weren't there i hugged him and he went all red," tendou said, feigning a blunt tone. 

"maybe because it was awkward?"

tendou shook his head, "no i could tell, you know when you can just tell by the way someone looks or blushes? kinda like you," he chuckled, causing eita to grunt.

"okay why are you telling me?"

he shrugged, although he did know. tendou wanted to see eita's opinion on it, they haven't ever really talked about sexuality since they were both straight, or so that's what tendou thought anyway. "would you stop hanging out with him if he was?"

eita narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, probably trying to read tendou. "no? i'm not homophobic, satori." he said a little more serious at the accusation.

"no, i know, but would you feel uncomfortable around him?" tendou knew he was pushing it a little too far, and that could stir suspicions in eita's head, but he was a little desperate, even if he believed he was still straight. maybe it was a spur of the moment thing, he thought.

"no, would you? are you tryna tell me you're homophobic?" he asked earnestly, a look of disbelief forming on his face as he lifted his hand off of tendou's lap.

"no, i'm not, just curious."

"about what? are you gay or something?" he asked, and tendou could swear his heart stopped for a second until he saw that eita started giggling at what he said, not taking it seriously. he stopped though, once he saw the look of horror on his friend's face. "hold on- satori i was jok- are you gay?" the last question came out as a whisper as his eyes grew large and tendou fell silent. 

"uh," he tried to form the words, he really believed he wasn't, that it was just because he felt lonely and needed somebody to lean on. that the atmosphere had created that feeling in his stomach and chest, that it was all in his head. "listen, i was sad, he was there, and i- i dunno i just felt weird." he murmured, unable to keep eye contact with eita as he fumbled with the blanket covering him.

"i mean," eita let out a laugh of what sounded like shock, shaking his head, "that would make sense, i guess. by what you said it sounded like you were pretty fucked up. you know with what everyone says about you, maybe it just got to you too much and you wanted someone." what eita said made sense, and went side by side with what tendou thought, but something was still off. "but you could be bisexual, though." he suggested, and tendou grew even more nervous at the thought of not being straight, that would just give everyone another reason to see him as different.

"i can't deal with this shit," he sighed, pulling his head back as he felt tears prick at his eyes. "why can't i just be normal?"

"hey, don't say that." eita soothed, shifting his chair forward so that his head was above tendou's as he patted it, "you don't need to label it if it makes you uncomfortable, you know? just see what happens." it all sounded reasonable, it really did, but tendou was so scared. scared that something weird would happen if he spoke to olive boy again, or any other boy for that matter. 

which is why for next passing month, he ignored him.

it was hard, especially since he sat next to him in all lessons, and they both were in the same team. tendou even moved his shower time back an hour, just so that he could avoid any contact with olive boy. it was a lot harder than he had anticipated, sometimes finding himself expecting olive boy and getting a little down once he realised he couldn't see him. as for the tutoring, he passed him on to some random other student from another class and it made him a little paranoid, scared that the person wouldn't understand how slow olive boy is. sometimes olive boy would knock on his dorm door, and eita would have to lie that tendou wasn't in, or he'd try to spark a conversation during morning practice, and tendou would have to go talk to somebody else or pretend he didn't hear him.

it surprisingly really hurt. 

this continued until the 20th of may: tendou's eighteenth birthday.

"happy birthday to youuu!" the volleyball team sang. "happy birthday to youuu! happy birthday to sat-ooo-riii! happy birthday to youuuuu!" tendou cheered alongside them as he lowered his head so that they could put a paper hat on him. a feeling of appreciation bloomed inside of him as he watched how everyone's attention was on him and him only.

"eighteen years old, huh? how's it feel being the mum of the group?" eita laughed, patting him on the shoulder. 

"feels good."

reon, goshiki, shirabu, jin, yusho, yunohama, taichi, kai, hayato, everyone was celebrating with him and he loved every second of it. they danced in the sports hall, gave him presents and even a cake. it was amazing.

until he locked eyes with olive boy and the guilt he had tried to ignore for the past month sprung right at him. the look on his eyes was one of pure loneliness and betrayal, and tendou felt fully responsible. he had never seen olive boy's face so heavy and full of emotions in his life, and to be the reason behind his misery hurt him even more. he couldn't carry it on. but he couldn't stop it either.

"this cake is delicious, where'd you get it from? i wanna get it for your birthday." tendou said, sitting on his bed with eita as they munched on the leftovers of the cake.

"firefly bakery, it's like a ten minute walk from here." eita answered with his mouth full, causing tendou's face to scrunch in disgust. "what was your favourite gift?"

"uhhh, the shoes, obviously. how'd you know i wanted them i never told you?" 

eita smirked, wiping his lips that were full of cream with his arm, "saw you staring at them in the shop, easy win." he laughed and tendou did too. "tell me you know what to get me for my birthday." 

"i haven't even thought about it yet, your birthday is in november!" 

"you know that party-"

"it wasn't a party, semisemi." tendou laughed, he knew what a real party was. a real party was a bunch of horny teenagers in a closed space, with alcohol, music and disco lights - a little dance with cake and presents in the school hall barely matched that. he still appreciated it though.

"whatever. it would have been so much better if ushijima wasn't there, he was so depressed."

tendou paused, his breathing becoming a little heavy at the thought of olive boy. he had tried to remove him from his mind, but he kept coming back. "you know why-"

"which is exactly why i think you should start talking to him again! you're his only friend, don't you feel bad for him?"

"why don't you be his friend? or anyone else on the fucking team? why does it have to be me?" tendou grew annoyed at himself, the guilt eating at him like a bug. 

"oh, come on. he only trusts you, he barely speaks to anyone else even if they speak to him first." eita scoffed, swiping a finger across the edge of the plate to suck on some more cream. 

"i can't." it was true, he couldn't. he couldn't find the strength within him to talk to him, he was scared of what would happen if he did.

"why? you have a crush on him? so what?"

"i never said that! i don't wanna-"

"listen," eita interrupted, folding his arms as a softer expression washed over his face, "i never wanted to say this because i knew it would make you feel weird, but…" tendou lifted an eyebrow, trying to guess what on earth eita was trying to say. "you've been a lot happier since he came, like this year, you've been so much happier in general." 

a silence enveloped them, as tendou had no idea what to say, his heart rate increasing steadily.

"i mean, yeah, you've had your ups and downs, but you've changed, satori. a lot."

tendou could feel his body temperature rise as he pursed his lips and looked at his pillow in his lap. he knew he was blushing, and he knew eita knew too. "so what do you want me to do?"

"what do you wanna do?"

what did he want to do? well, he wanted to go up to olive boy, wanted to be in his perfect frame hold again, wanted to stare into his gorgeous dark green eyes again. his imagination went further and further, only brightening and heating his cheeks even more. "nothing." he mumbled, picking at his mattress cover. 

"satori." 

"i wanna talk to him, really bad, but i just don't know how." tendou found himself embarrassingly lifting his hands to cover his face like some middle school girl with a crush, and he wanted to disappear right there and then. 

eita laughed, catching on to how embarrassed tendou was. "just go say hi, he's awkward too so it shouldn't be a problem right?"

wrong. it was a problem.

tendou was wandering the school yard again, this time with a shirt on since it was a little colder than last time. he'd gone to clear his head and align his thoughts, to make a plan on how to confront olive boy properly. the memory of that look of pain on his face reminded him of how much he really sucked, tendou was so selfish. he realised way too late that he should have put his stupid feelings aside, and kept his sort of friendship with olive boy. he'd forgotten that the latter had feelings too. 

stuck in his thoughts, tendou bumped into someone he didn't expect to see. "a-ah, sorry." he rubbed the back of his head as he felt himself visibly blush again at the sight of olive boy turning around, in a big fluffy coat, a beanie, a scarf and gloves. it wasn't that cold, was it?

when olive boy realised who he was through winced eyes since it was really dark, resumed back to his face and just stood quietly, not saying anything in return.

"ushijima-kun, did you hear me? i said i'm sorry." tendou repeated, finding it odd that he didn't respond. he was fully aware of what tendou said, and once he got a proper good luck of olive boy's face, his heart sank. he was so hurt, all the little bits and pieces of him that tendou had brought out to light over time had disappeared as tendou felt a huge wall between them, similar to when they first met. "ushijima…" 

"happy birthday." the coldness in his voice was heart-rending. it was so empty, so unlike him, and it was all tendou's fault. he opened him up and threw him back onto the streets, lifted him up the first few steps of the ladder and pushed him back down to the bottom, broke the wall between them only for olive boy to build it back again, but stronger. although that's what tendou thought, until olive boy spoke up again, "here." he whispered, diving into his pockets before pulling out a little box.

"is this a..?"

"yes." 

tendou held onto it and admired it for awhile, it was tiny and had a little ribbon on the top with a note attached to it reading 'happy birthday tendou <3'. that was enough to bring tears to tendou's eyes, he felt even more awful. even though he had ignored olive boy for a whole month, he still got him a present, and put his effort into it too. maybe he hadn't finished rebuilding the wall yet, maybe he held onto the bottom of the ladder, maybe he didn't hate tendou. opening it, tendou found a thick bracelet, that had a metal piece to it with TS - his initials in english, engraved into it. 

"ush- i- you-" he couldn't even form any words, heart so full and tears on the edge of his eyes at how much he treasured the gift olive boy had personally made for him. 

"look," tendou lifted his gaze to olive boy's wrist as he had a matching bracelet, but with his own initials on it, "i have one well as." he was so happy he couldn't even correct olive boy's grammar, so grateful, so loved. but so evil. he felt so so evil for leaving olive boy in the dark, leaving someone so loving and innocent and sweet and caring. how could he do that?

"i'm so sorry," he cried, bringing his sleeve up to wipe his tears. "i-i-i didn't want to ignore you, it's just-just i-" he sobbed, not even to bring himself to explain why he disregarded olive boy for so long. "you're so nice and perfect, you don't deserve someone like me. i'm so sorry ushijima." 

just like a month ago in the caretaker's closet, olive boy brought tendou into his embrace, becoming the perfect frame for him again. tendou easily found his way, putting his head in the nape of olive boy's neck, wrapping his arms around his waist. "i'm so sorry," he cried into his arms, even though it should have been the other way round with how he treated him. pulling himself away, his face inches away from olive boy's, he stared into his eyes again, melting in them. "i shouldn't even be crying," he sniffled, "are you okay?" he asked, feeling as though he should hear what the other boy feels as well.

tendou noticed how olive boy's bottom lip twitched, as he let out a shaky breath. oh god, had he broke him? "i am fine now. i thought you would ignore me forever." tendou could see how he tried to lift his lips into a smile, but they pulled downwards and wavered, just like his did whenever he was about to cry. "i-" his voice croaked a little, and tendou felt his heart shatter with every word that came out of his mouth. "i thought i would be alone, tendou-kun. even in canada, i had nobody, everyone thought i was weird." tears formed at his eyes, and tendou wanted to lift his hand to brush them away, to stroke his cheek, to tangle it in his hair. but he was too scared. "you didn't. you explain everything to me, and then you left. did i- did i do something?" and then it happened, a tear slipped from his eye as a sob escaped his quivering lips. it was so upsetting, tendou didn't even know what to say. "did i upset you? was it because i made you cry? wh-when you said i blameeh you for fights but you said they're not fights and-" 

"shhhh." tendou stopped his rambling, he couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take seeing the usually stoic olive boy break down in front of him because of his selfishness anymore. "you didn't do anything," he whispered, in an attempt to comfort him. but tendou knew, he knew that olive boy struggled to communicate with words, on both ends. "it was me, i was scared."

olive boy's eyebrows furrowed, "of what?" 

tendou took a few seconds to contemplate whether he should do his next move or not. he let his eyes linger on olive boy's lips, thinking of all the possible outcomes if he just attached his to them. would they date? would olive boy be disgusted? would somebody catch them and take a picture or something? but the thought of how soft his tiny lips probably felt against his overpowered all of his other thoughts as he leaned closer and whispered, "of this."

before latching his lips on to olive boy's.

it wasn't like he expected, not how he expected his first kiss to be in general. it was clear neither of them were experienced as they didn't move. tendou closed his eyes to reduce some of the awkwardness, before moving his lips just like eita had taught him to a few years back. olive boy's lips were soft, the taste of strawberry chapstick evident on his lips as he opened them for tendou to move even more. it was a small kiss, a soft kiss, a quick kiss. but it felt so magical. 

as they pulled back, tendou felt olive boy's grip on his shirt tighten a bit as he left his mouth hanging open slightly. they both breathed at the same pace, stared at each other in the eyes. what was going to happen now? was olive boy going to run away and never come back? was someone going to come out from round the corner and laugh at them? 

"can you do it again?" olive boy asked, a blush spread on his cheeks. tendou pulled back a smile, before tilting his head and joining their lips together again.

it was so nice. 

olive boy's once firm posture softened as he moved his arms so that his fingers curled around tendou's waist. the latter smiled into the kiss, moving his lips steadily so that olive boy could follow. he shifted his arms so that they wrapped around olive boy's neck, making the kiss a little more intimate. olive boy had proven himself to be a quick learner in the past, and once he had took over, tendou could hear his heartbeat pounding in his chest, could feel his knees wobble, could feel how his senses all became addicted with olive boy's touch. 

it was so so nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BDJAHDKAKSJSKANDJ THEY FINALLY KISSED THANK GOD


	8. comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took embarrassingly long to post i apologise

the feeling was so new and fresh and it had sparked something new in tendou's body. he couldn't explain it, couldn't put a finger on it, couldn't even feel it properly because he had his gaze locked onto..

"toshi…" he mumbled, before his mind even comprehended it itself. 

this made the wakatoshi's eyes grow wide, shocked that tendou had not just used his first name, but abbreviated it. tendou was surprised himself once he processed what he just said. he panicked, did he really just call olive boy toshi? what did that mean? what did the kiss mean? what did anything mean?

"yeah?" olive boy - or wakatoshi, or toshi, or whatever tendou wanted to call him that he hadn't decided on yet - replied, his voice and stare just as hazy as the redhead's.

tendou didn't reply, he pursed his lips instead as he realised that the way he saw olive boy had changed. he knew he was good looking, but god, he looked ethereal stood in front of tendou with his fingers coiled in his shirt around his waist, his hair swaying in the midnight breeze as his eyes rounded with pure innocence. he was just perfect. 

"fuck." he grumbled, covering his face with his hands in both irritation and embarrassment. this was exactly the reason why he had been avoiding him all this time, to stop this, to stop something weird happening.

"tendou-kun?" olive boy's hands removed themselves from tendou's shirt, back to his side as he stared at him. "are you okay?"

"we-we can't do this again. i- we just can't." tendou said, his heart doing backflips, warning that that was not the right decision. but he ignored it, refused to listen to it and pushed it aside. peering through his fingers, tendou saw the boy in front of him furrow his brows and look at the ground and he couldn't tell whether it was in agitation that they couldn't kiss again, or that he didn't really know what tendou was referring to. "wakatoshi-kun." he used his first name, which made both of them gawk at each other. it slipped out of his tongue so easily, as though they had known each other for years. he liked it, he liked the way it sounded, he liked calling him by his first name. 

and it looked like wakatoshi liked it too, with the way his head bobbed back up and he smiled ever so subtly. "what can't we do?"

one more time, one more time couldn't hurt anybody, right? 

closing his eyes to reduce the tension that had built up, tendou reached over so easily due to the lack of height difference, placed his delicate hands on wakatoshi's broad and tough shoulders, before giving him another peck on the lips. wakatoshi replied by opening his mouth, making tendou jerk back his head. "this. we can't do this, okay?"

"kiss?" like an angel, wakatoshi batted his eyelids."but i like it." 

tendou felt like a fucking devil or demon lord that had snatched wakatoshi from the depths of heaven and dragged him down all the way to the pits of hell. he felt like he had ruined all of his innocence, and purity, and everything that made wakatoshi wakatoshi. he couldn't bring wakatoshi with him on an endless journey of figuring out what or who he was, couldn't bring him to fall so low as to kiss someone with open scars and bruises, he couldn't do that to wakatoshi. this wasn't just for his own sake, it was for his too.

"yeah," he nodded, smiling while removing himself from the taller boy and stroking down his clothes, "that was the last one, okay?" 

unlike what he thought he'd do, tendou didn't tell eita about what happened that night. it wasn't that he was embarrassed, or couldn't bring himself to do it, it was simply because he didn't want to. he didn't want eita to know he made wakatoshi cry, or that he bought him the cutest little gift ever, or that they kissed in the stupid school yard. he liked that it was a little secret, it made him feel like a bubbly school girl and he didn't care. he was happy, absolutely terrified, but happy.

so whenever anybody on his team asked him why he was giggling so much, or being a lot more giddier than usual, tendou would just laugh it off.

"i'm happy, semisemi, what's so bad about that?" he patted his friend's back before moving to the back of the court so he could serve.

"i'm not saying it's bad, i'm saying it's weird!" he shouted from the front of the court, with suspicion in his eyes as he kept his gaze on tendou.

the redhead laughed, he didn't care that everyone was finding it strange about how happy he was. jumping from the ground, he hit the ball right into goshiki's hands like he had aimed for. he still loved training and supporting his junior, loved adoring him and showering him with praise, which is why he was practicing targeting him with his receives.

"tendou-kun, let me teach you how to strong your serves." wakatoshi's deep voice, that tendou had found to be rather addictive within the last few days, emerged from the left of him. tendou giggled, maybe a bit too much, at his error because he found it so cute. everything about him the past few days had either been cute, overwhelmingly good looking, or something tendou was too afraid to admit to himself.

nodding enthusiastically, tendou agreed to let him teach him. they were aiming to go to nationals this year after all, a big dream for everyone. 

"okay, so," his calloused hands, that tendou had grown to love ever since the time he massaged his hair, rubbed along his shoulders easing the tense in them. "relax, is number one important thing." he said, his thumb pressing against the blades of tendou's shoulders. 

if it were in any other setting, this would have looked weird, questions would have been raised, and rumours would have spread. but in the volleyball club, as any other sports club, giving massages was just another task to help each other with tight muscles and cranky bones. tendou unconsciously nuzzled into the touch, realising that it had always been intoxicating, had always managed to keep him calm. "since when were you so good at massaging, wakatoshi-kun?" tendou asked, his eyes closed as he basked in the comforting feeling.

"my father taught me." hearing wakatoshi talk about his dad made something strike in tendou's mind. he realised how little he actually knew about the boy, and how little he knew about him. they had become so fond of each other, had grown close to each other, had formed a strange friendship yet neither of them really knew any details about each others' lives outside of the school gates.

"okay, i'm relaxed, now what?" he asked, his head turned to meet two olive eyes staring back at him softly. tendou had noticed the way wakatoshi would look at him ever since they kissed, had changed. it was different, but he couldn't really pinpoint why. 

"now, eyes on who you're aiming at."

"you're rather cruel, wakatoshi-kun, aren't you? always aiming your serves at people rather than places on the court."

wakatoshi shook his head, "all the best players do, you find the weakest at receives on the other team, and hit the ball at them." 

tendou laughed, bending backwards so that his head rested on the olive haired boy's shoulders as he held his stomach. "you're funny," he cried, before clearing his throat to go back to his original posture.

"not as funny as you, tendou-kun," he replied, making the redhead beam with happiness he hadn't felt in a long while. "who are you aiming at?" 

lifting his arm with his index finger sticking out, tendou pointed at goshiki who only froze in response at the creepiness of what tendou did. "goshiki-kun, he's cute, don't you think, wakatoshi-kun? i think after you leave, he'll be the new ace of shiratorizawa." 

"who said i'm the ace?" he asked, and when tendou turned to face him again he saw pure confusion on his face.

"haven't you heard?! everybody's talking about you!" he spoke loudly to purposely spark attention so that the others could emphasise his point. "remember when that girl from the photography club came over? she took a few videos of you and posted them everywhere and now everyone is scared of you." he explained, his arms wide.

"everyone in this school?" 

the team laughed at his obliviousness to his new found fame. "it's true, ushijima-san, you've even got seijou's oikawa-san shaking in his boots." shirabu added.

"who told you that?" 

"i used to go to middle school with one of the players and he told me oikawa's been practicing harder than ever for the spring nationals."

"makes you seem like a god, eh?" reon elbowed him and wakatoshi looked around at everyone, trying to obtain this new information that he was the player everyone in miyagi was aiming to beat. 

after awhile of conversation, bicker and banter, tendou cut in, wanting his precious alone time with wakatoshi again. "now now, the great ushijima wakatoshi needs to teach me how to serve, so go away please."

"tendou-kun." wakatoshi whispered once the crowd around them had dispersed. 

said boy hummed in response, leaning his face in closer to hear what the boy was whispering about. he halted for a second at their closeness that reminded him of their multiple kisses a few days prior.

"do you really think i'm the ace of shiratorizawa?" 

what he said didn't sound unsure, or insecure, or afraid. it didn't really lean on any wall of emotion, it was almost like he was asking for affirmation. from day one of volleyball practice, wakatoshi had reeked of confidence, pride, and certainty in his talent. he wasn't very humble when addressing his skills, and nobody ever really thought to stop him as his words matched his capabilities, although sometimes they could be a bit too harsh. seeing him now, whispering and asking tendou if he thought he was the ace made a thousand things flutter in his chest, alongside the swelling of his heart. he was asking for tendou's opinion, what he thought of wakatoshi. tendou's nightmare of dragging him down to hell had already begun.

"yes, of course i do."

a week had gone by with excessive training for the spring preliminaries, and a lot of studying for the midterms. tendou hardly saw eita who was either staying behind in classrooms, stuck in the library or locked in their dorm room trying his best to cram his work. the only time he got to spend time with him was during volleyball practice, and even then, everyone was training their asses off so there wasn't really much time to talk.

however when tendou arrived at his dorm room to find it locked, his keycard left inside it, he sighed. "eita! open the door, i wanna sleep." he heard nothing on the receiving end and so he decided he'd go visit the one person that had been on his mind for awhile.

tendou hadn't ever visited wakatoshi's dorm room, but the latter had knocked on his on his second day at shiratorizawa, and he had never thought to question it until now. how did wakatoshi know where his dorm room was? because he was having a hard time finding his. he tried to remember who slept where, and which of the rooms were vacant. if his memory was correct, there were three spare rooms, so he just needed to knock on all three and see if the olive haired boy would pop out from behind one of them.

"tendou-kun?" he asked, subtle shock and confusion on his face. 

"hi! eita is asleep and locked me out so i was wondering if i could stay here. you don't have a roomie, do you?" tendou made his way inside to check if he was right and thank the lord he was because it would have been extremely awkward to walk in on some random school boy in wakatoshi's room.

closing the door behind him, wakatoshi simply hummed before sitting on his lower bunk of the bed. 

"you have both bunks to yourself and you still pick the bottom one? how boring."

"it's easier for me to get onto, especially when i'm really tired." 

tendou was nosy, it was one of his many personality traits, he loved looking at what's in people's rooms, gaining more information about that person. so he looked at his desk and only found school books and a photo. "who's this? your dad?" he asked, picking it up and pointing at the older one of the two in the photo who was cradling a younger wakatoshi. tendou found it adorable, he looked practically the same but his face was a little rounder and his eyes a little bigger.

"yeah."

tendou's mind went back to when he noticed he hardly knew anything about wakatoshi and vice versa, so he used this opportunity to do so, hoping it would draw them closer together. "you got a good relationship with him?"

wakatoshi nodded, and tendou couldn't help but spot how his lips twitched ever so slightly, faltering his smile. "he's the one who got me into volleyball."

"that's so cool! was he a professional or something?" 

"no, he played in high school like us. he told me about this ace, though. and all i've ever wanted to do was be that person."

"live up to your father's ideal volleyball player?" tendou chuckled, "that's so cute." he twisted wakatoshi's swirly chair that sat at his desk, and sat on it so that he could get comfortable.

"live up? well, i don't know what that means, but the way my father described this ace was so good. he didn't just speak about height, it was his confidence and assu? assarity?"

giggling, tendou helped him out. "assurance." this was nice, getting wakatoshi to open up to him about his dreams and goals. about the type of player he wanted to grow into just because of his father.

"yeah, he was a player that everyone knew would hit any ball that was thrown at him, and i want to be like that." he smiled, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes closed to reminisce about what he was talking about.

"that's so cool. you know that's how everyone on our team thinks of you, right? we're one hundred percent sure that if we receive the ball to you, or set the ball to you, you're going to give it your all and slam it onto the other side. we have confidence in you, wakatoshi-kun, you've already become the ace that your father admired." tendou assured him, relaxing in the chair a little more.

"thank you, tendou-kun. but we won't know until the preliminaries, and then nationals." 

"are you stupid?! of course we're going there, and i am positive you will make it to the top."

wakatoshi's gaze lingered on tendou a little longer than usual before he asked, "what about you? why do you play volleyball?" 

"well…" tendou knew this question was coming, and he tried to prepare an answer for it in the back of his mind whilst listening to wakatoshi. but hearing him ask now threw all of his ideas away, he didn't really know how to explain that it was only an ego booster of some sorts. "you, uh, know how i get picked on in this school?"

wakatoshi nodded, his eyes never shifting, his focus never leaving. 

"well, basically yeah, it's happened for a while. back in, like, junior school or something, everyone used to call me things like a monster and stuff like that." tendou was being unclear, and since japanese wasn't wakatoshi's first language, he probably had no idea what he was talking about. but he didn't speak up or ask tendou to repeat anything, so he carried on. "and the boys in my school liked volleyball so i used to watch them and shit, uh and one day i tried to join in. they, uh, wouldn't let me though." tendou paused, waiting for the boy in front of him to say something but he remained silent. "they said shit like 'monsters can't be on human teams' so i kinda gave up. but then one day i decided i'd play against them and give that a try."

"and then?" hearing wakatoshi engage made tendou even more nervous than he was before, realising it was better when he was quiet. 

"and then, i blocked one of the boys. he landed on the floor, and i dunno, something clicked."

"you realised that volleyball was for you?" 

tendou's heart sank a little at the thought of disappointing wakatoshi. he had always seemed so sure of his life and what he wanted in it. people like them didn't really surround themselves with people who had no ambitions, like tendou. tendou just liked living one day after the other, no huge goal in mind. especially volleyball, that was just a high school thing. 

"a-ah, no. it gave me confidence. it finally made me feel equal to everyone." he whispered with his head low. "i know it's not an amazing reason, or anything, but volleyball makes me confident. it makes me not feel like this freakishly ugly boy that boys beat up in the stupid toilets, or the boy that girls always chat shit about at sleepovers and parties. when people see how amazing i am at volleyball, they look past my face, and they see my talent, and i kinda like that." he rambled, before stiffening. he opened up a bit too much, something he had never done in his life. ever.

wakatoshi was silent, one hand clasped in the other as he watched the ground. tendou copied him, but with anticipation on his mind. was he planning on saying something? did he pity him? did he not like him because he wasn't as passionate about volleyball as he was? this was exactly the reason why tendou hated being vulnerable in front of anyone, they'd feel so guilty it'd make them speechless. 

he opened his mouth, but closed it again only making tendou's heart squeeze in agony. did he make him this uncomfortable?

"that's so cool." he finally said, lifting his head up. 

"huh?" dumbfounded, tendou tilted his head. that was definitely not what he was expecting. 

"you have something that makes you confident, that's cool."

"well so do you, don't you? you're practically unbeatable at volleyball." tendou was genuinely puzzled as to why wakatoshi had any sort of admiration towards him. 

"can you kiss me again?"

well if he was confused before, now he was, dare say it, flabbergasted. his eyes rounded as his long neck reached forward in complete and utter shock. wakatoshi hadn't initiated any sort of physical contact since tendou said they couldn't anymore, and he thought maybe he had gotten over it. but hearing him ask for it made tendou's heart thunder in his chest a lot louder than he wanted it to, his cheeks almost burning him as he struggled to form any words.

"i- uh- what?" 

"please, it makes me less nervous." 

he said please, how could tendou say no? this was such a new sight, and he couldn't figure out whether it was settling or disturbing. wakatoshi was begging, really, for a kiss. ushijima wakatoshi was begging tendou satori for a kiss.

so he used his hands to lift himself up from the chair and squatted in front of wakatoshi. he placed his hands on both of the boy's knees, before lifting his head so that he could feel warm breaths dancing on his lips and nose. their eyes were open this time, both of them staring at each other, waiting for somebody to move.

"are you sure, 'toshi?" the name slipped from his lips again, something tendou realised he only said when they were enveloped in each others' bodies. 

"yeah." he whispered back, staring at the redhead's lips. 

and so their lips connected, in what was originally supposed to be a soft peck, but wakatoshi opened his mouth again. this time, since he begged, tendou didn't move his head back, and instead twisted it so that he could get a better angle. the inside of wakatoshi's mouth felt warm, it embraced his lips just like his arms did when they hugged, or how his hands did when they massaged him. the movements were so slow, so hesitant, both of them trying to match each other's pace. it was a little longer than tendou expected, although he didn't complain, so he brought his hands from wakatoshi's knees and brought them to cup his face. 

wakatoshi was asking him for comfort. wakatoshi found comfort within tendou. tendou, who everyone thought was this disgusting creature who had no feelings whatsoever. tendou, who frightened everyone who he ever came into contact with, even eita originally. wakatoshi begged for tendou to kiss him, begged for intimacy, begged for affection, begged for attention, begged for him. he wanted tendou. and who was tendou to stop that? who was tendou to stop somebody as beautiful and innocent as wakatoshi? 

they moved back from each other, their heavy breaths mixing in the tiny space of air between them. tendou felt like he was floating, sitting on a cloud in the middle of a blue sky, with the most perfect human he has ever met sat with him. 

"i have childhood disintegrative disorder." he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it isn't stated anywhere in the manga or anime that toshi struggles with any type of autism,, that's jus smth i have included in my fic bc i feel like his traits correspond with this disorder !!


	9. ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a very late happy new year from me to all of u guys !!! thank u so much for insane amount of support in such a small amount of time i love each and every one of u guys <33
> 
> there are some spoilers from the manga in this like about what they wanna do in the future

"well, i had. but then it turned into asperger's syndrome." he muttered.

tendou blinked a few times, trying to process what wakatoshi just said. "oh.. okay?" he didn't really know what to say, but he still wanted to provide some form of comfort so he sat next to wakatoshi on the bed.

"i just wanted to tell you, that's all." 

tendou tried to examine his face and see what he was trying to say. surely he meant something more than just saying it for the sake of saying it? "are you sure?"

"well, when i was little," his voice grew quieter, not in pitch, but in tone. "my mum used to tell me that if i wanted someone to fully understand me, i should tell them. and she said only tell people that i trust."

tendou felt his heart warm at wakatoshi's innocence, and the fact that he trusted him enough to confide in him about his autism. smiling, tendou grabbed wakatoshi's hands and held them in his. "thank you for telling me, wakatoshi-kun." 

now that he knew this, wakatoshi's actions started to make more and more sense. his stoic behaviour, him believing everything that tendou told him, him misunderstanding the incident in the bathroom. he wasn't rude, he was just slow.

"last time i told someone, they told the entire school. you're not going to do that, right?" his olive eyes portrayed an expression tendou struggled to read.

"no, of course not. your secret's safe with me." he giggled, deciding to lighten the mood. there was a heavy bag of tension in the room and tendou wanted to throw it away and make wakatoshi more comfortable. 

but he had his worries of his own.

like the fact that it was night, and he had to sleep in wakatoshi's dorm. just the idea of that drove his heart crazy, sleeping in the same room as wakatoshi seemed absurd. it would have been normal, but they kissed. more than once.

"thank you. also is it okay if i call you satori-kun?" he asked, a faint blush on his cheeks. 

that reminded tendou of the night he dreamt of wakatoshi crawling on all fours on top of him, whispering his name in the dark, and he couldn't help but sweat a little at wakatoshi's request. "uh- yeah, i guess. i mean we are good friends now."

friends? tendou wanted to laugh at himself. what kind of bro kisses his bro? more than once? 

"yeah," wakatoshi nodded, before standing up to take his shirt off. 

tendou had seen his body a million times, had seen him effortlessly take off his shirt a million times, had even seen him shower for fucks sake. so why on earth was his mind spinning like crazy? his heart was knocking against his chest, his smile faltered, and his nerves started to kick in. he was finding it way too attractive for his liking.

"i'm gonna go to bed. is it okay if i sleep on the top bunk?" he asked sheeply, averting his eyes from wakatoshi's broad abs. 

"yes, of course." he replied, before pulling down his pants too and tendou swore he had a heart attack right then and there.

the sight of wakatoshi in only his underwear had tendou's mind going to places he never ever thought it'd ever go. it had him nervously rubbing his palms against each other. this was it, the final straw, the thing that made him realise.

he was into boys.

"i'm gonna tell you something but you can't freak out, okay?" 

tendou decided it was best for him and his sanity to return back to his shared dorm. so he ran out of wakatoshi's room and banged on his dorm door to wake eita up. now they were both on his top bunk, with eita half asleep listening in to tendou's rants.

"okay." he yawned, not really processing what tendou was saying. but the redhead knew he'd wake up at what he was about to say.

"i kissed waka- ushijima-kun." he gulped, eyes wide, waiting for eita's reaction

just as expected, his head jolted back, his eyes grew tremendously wide, and his jaw dropped half-way down his chest. "what?"

"yeah." tendou buried his face in his hands, peeking at eita through them to see his reaction.

"i-" his mouth kept opening and closing at a loss for words as his eyes silently interrogated tendou to see if he was joking or not. "that's...great?" 

tendou groaned and lied back on his bed like a little girl. "i don't even know." he muffled into his pillow, before sitting up and putting the pillow in his lap to play with it. 

"you're being fidgety. last time i saw fidgety tendou was when you had a crush on that corridor girl." 

"so you're saying i like him, right?" 

eita paused, his mouth hung open in the air as though he was carefully picking his words. "why else would you kiss him?" 

tendou knew the answer, it was pretty obvious from the way he turned into a mess from seeing wakatoshi's abs. but he wanted eita to say it, not him. he couldn't bring himself to verbally confess that he was gay (even if eita already kind of knew). "well-"

"when did you kiss him?" he interrupted, hands on his crossed knees, deep in thought. tendou had mixed feelings about this eita, this eita could figure out anything. it was both annoying and really useful. he always used to joke that he should put that effort into his studies instead of people, but he didn't say anything today. 

"uh the first time was last week. and i, uh, the second time was today. like literally ten minutes ago." 

"did you like it?" eita's face never shifted, his eyes narrowing with every word he said.

tendou could feel the butterflies flapper in his stomach again, and the heat rose to his cheeks as he recalled the kiss. as he recalled the way his lips moved along wakatoshi's, the way wakatoshi fully trusted him and opened his mouth, the way..

"satori!" eita snapped as though he'd been calling his name a few times.

fuck. tendou  _ liked  _ him. what did he even like about wakatoshi? what about wakatoshi was driving him crazy? he didn't even know. yet there he was, kissing him, cuddling him, crying to him. it was so strange, tendou just wanted to rip out all of his hair in both frustration and confusion.

"oh, sorry." he mumbled, looking back up at him.

"i think you just answered your own question there, bud."

a silence draped over the both of them as they both buried themselves in their own thoughts. tendou's being: what the fuck does he do now? 

tendou was stronger than his old self; he wasn't going to hide again. even if the fear was so strong it blinded him, he wasn't going to run away from wakatoshi and leave him in the dark. he couldn't do that to him, not after what happened last time.

so there he was, in the cafeteria, sitting across from eita and next to wakatoshi. it was strange, not sitting next to eita. but he wondered why he'd never done it before since he got to see his face a lot better from this view. it was probably a safety precaution, he thought. sitting alone on the other side of the table, without wakatoshi there next to him, would have been absolutely terrifying.

the cafeteria was loud as usual, with everyone in their huge friendship groups. in his first year, tendou always thought the volleyball club would eat lunch together at school. but that wasn't the case, they all had their own friends and their own things they needed to get done. he had always wanted a huge friendship group, but he came to realise after a while that eita was so much more than enough.

"wakatoshi-kun? why aren't you eating the onions? i thought you wanted to be an athlete." tendou joked before stuffing a spoon of rice into his mouth.

wakatoshi looked up at him a little dumbfounded. "i do want to be an athlete."

eita started laughing, "then you better start eating them onions, you can't be picky if you wanna be healthy." he poked at wakatoshi's bowl with his chopstick, nudging it forward.

wakatoshi frowned - wait, no, he pouted - at the onions before lifting them up with his chopsticks. "but i eat every other vegetable, surely not eating onions is okay."

tendou found it adorable, and he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. seeing wakatoshi act so childish was so entertaining. "onions are literally like ninety percent nutrients, they even have antibacterials and stuff that fights against cancer." he explained, pushing the chopsticks closer to wakatoshi's mouth. he stared at the way it nudged against the taller boy's closed, upturned lips. on one hand, it felt like he was feeding a child. but on the other hand, it felt so domestic tendou could feel his heart swell in his chest at imaginations of them living together and having dinner together.

"open wide, ushijima-kun!" eita laughed, also finding this entertaining. 

after a few seconds of contemplation, wakatoshi opened his mouth, and tendou pressed the pads of his pretty fingers against wakatoshi's cold knuckles so that the onions went inside his mouth. he watched as his face distorted into one of disgust, before he flared his nostrils at the pungent taste. tendou laughed and unconsciously rested his head against wakatoshi's shoulders as he held his stomach and fought back his tears from the hilarious sight. it was only when eita started aggressively clearing his throat that tendou realised and sat up straight. he dusted his clothes and began to eat silently, embarrassed that he let himself so loose in the cafeteria.

"i didn't like it."

"well, i don't like mushrooms, and this curry has about three different fucking types. but you don't see more complaining, do you?" tendou giggled, patting wakatoshi on his shoulder.

his mind traced back to when wakatoshi told him about his autism, and now that he knew, every action the boy did had a reason behind it. he wondered how difficult it must have been to grow up with that syndrome, how difficult it must have been to fit in and make friends. wakatoshi must've already struggled, him being japanese in canada and all, so the asperger's would've only made everything worse. no wonder he felt so close to tendou so quickly. 

"yeah, i don't like okra but this school's obsessed with it! i don't even wanna be an athlete or volleyball player or whatever when i leave here, but you still see me eating them." he said, before opening his mouth wide and making an "aaa" sound like a child, eating his okra to prove his point.

wakatoshi tilted his head and asked, "you don't want to be a volleyball player?"

eita shook his head and wiped his mouth with his arm before answering, "nah, it's just a high school thing, you know? i mean it's a good career choice…"

eita's rant wasn't even going through tendou's mind as he saw wakatoshi blush through his peripheral vision. it's the fact that he knew exactly why he was blushing, that made his cheeks flush red too. wakatoshi was thinking about their conversation they had about volleyball, and most likely, their kiss too. tendou now had so many questions. did wakatoshi like it? did he want to do it again? did wakatoshi like tendou in that way? or did he just think it was a friendly thing? did he wanna date him?

"oi! you two aren't even listening to me, are you?" eita slammed his hands against the table to get their attention, essentially succeeding. "ushijima-kun, if you ask someone a question you should listen to their answer." he frowned and folded his arms.

"i was," he said, before using his napkin to wipe his face. "you said you want to do something where there's a higher chance of success."

tendou snorted, trying to join in the conversation even though his mind was completely elsewhere. "as if the music industry is any easier." 

"it is! i'm not even on the original lineup for our team, there's no way i'd get a good spot on a professional team."

"yeah, but what if you end up singing in bars for a living? do you know how depressing that is?" 

"no, not that type of musician. the ones that sign up to a company."

"an idol?" tendou gawked, he never thought eita would be the type to be controlled by a company.

"i dunno," he shrugged, "just wanna get through my exams first, go to college maybe, and then figure it out from there."

"what about you, satori-kun? what do you want to be when you're older." 

tendou knew what he wanted to be, he'd always known. from the first time he tasted a professional bite of chocolate, from a professional chocolatier - tendou knew. he'd also told his parents, and looked into colleges which would provide him a suitable education to fulfill his dream, but it had always been paris. paris was the city of romance, light, and sweets. where else would he pursue his dream? nowhere else would seem fit.

"i haven't really thought about it yet." he lied.

"really? well, i hope it's close so we can see each other after school." wakatoshi smiled - his perfect, handsome, heart throbbing smile. 

and it crushed tendou's. he'd never thought of that. moving away to paris would mean he'd only get to spend a few more months with wakatoshi, most of them being in nationals, and finals, and everything else that would fall on them in their third year. why did he ever think of dating him when he was literally planning on moving away as soon as he left high school? 

"yeah," he gave his infamous close-eyed smile, rubbing the palm of wakatoshi's back, "me too."

the next few months flew by, with absolutely nothing happening between tendou and wakatoshi. they continued to grow as friends and got to know each other more. 

tendou was now more aware about wakatoshi's relationship with his parents, about his autism, about his favourite foods and things to do in his pass time. he learned that wakatoshi never read the manga, and rather, read the adverts on them instead. he learned that he hated takeouts because they were too greasy and unhealthy. he learned that he liked to layer when it was cold. all these little things just increased tendou's crush on him, and sometimes he even considered that maybe..he was in love with him. this explanation was way too rash and unrealistic, but sometimes wakatoshi would say things and tendou felt like crying.

_ "i like your hair when it's down, it looks better." _

_ "your jokes are funny, i don't really understand jokes, but i get yours." _

_ "your blocking is impressive, satori-kun. we should be on the same team together after high school." _

_ "you always leave a mess in my room. it reminds me of you when i wake up." _

_ "thank you for playing so well today." _

he felt like crying because he'd never heard anything like them before. how wakatoshi appreciated just the simple things tendou did, made him go crazy. to find someone like wakatoshi on this earth, was so rare. he was rare. his eyes, his words, his mind, his heart - they were so rare and almost impossible to find. but tendou found him, tendou was friends with him. so why couldn't he have him? why couldn't he stay with him? why was he planning on leaving when he could still study the arts of chocolotier-ing in japan, with wakatoshi by his side?

"your hands are cold," wakatoshi whispered, as he held tendou's fingers in his own.

tendou's fingers were slim, and long, and tended to go cold if he kept them out in the open for too long. the taller boy never failed to notice, so much so he had grown a habit of holding his hands, rubbing them in between his palms to keep them warm. 

"i know," tendou stifled a breath, nervous. even though wakatoshi had done this way over a dozen times, tendou still never got over it. he never got over the fact that he was so close to him, yet he couldn't reach out his arms to hold him. what was even holding him back at this point? tendou knew wakatoshi would agree to go out with him if he asked, but he was still scared. scared that he might make the boy too dependant on him, and when he left for paris, it'd break him. scared that wakatoshi wouldn't know how to function without him. scared that he wouldn't be able to function without wakatoshi.

"you should keep them warm. imagine how cold they'd be in winter."

"i know."

they both clung way too close to each other. pulling them apart would only rip them both into pieces.

groaning, tendou threw the volleyball in his hand across the hall so that it hit the other wall. he needed to let out his frustration, his frustration towards himself. his frustration of his stupid crush on wakatoshi that got in the way of everything. 

"tendou senpai?" goshiki appeared, his head popping out in the space between the doors. 

tendou came to a stop, his face lightening up at his favourite first year. "goshiki-kun! how are you?" he asked, walking over to him with his arms wide open.

"i'm okay, i saw the lights were on and came to check who was in." his rounded eyes and adorable smile only made tendou smile even more as he grabbed him to ruffle his hair.

"you shouldn't be out of your dorm this late if you're aiming to be the future ace, hm?" goshiki's eyes always glimmered with determination and pride whenever tendou called him the future ace, but this time, his eyes dimmed under the heavy lights of the sports hall. "goshiki-kun? is everything okay?" tendou asked, genuinely worried at the boy's sudden change in attire.

he pulled them to sit down on the cold hardwood, before nodding to let goshiki speak.

"i want to be an ace, i really do. i've been working hard for years, and i've always received praise for what i'm doing. after i got the scholarship for this school, i was so happy. even when i was in the club, i was so sure i'd do amazing." he looked up, eyes wavering to ask if it was okay to continue. of course it was, tendou was always going to be there to listen to him.

"but then, these past few days, i don't feel like i'm improving. i know i'm good, everybody tells me so. but with ushijima-"

"don't compare yourself to wakatoshi-kun." tendou interrupted, something he never usually did when lending an ear to people. "yes, he is amazing. brilliant, even. he's in the lineup for the national under-19s too, which means he's the best of the best." tendou's words only made goshiki's shoulders sink even further, but he wasn't finished. 

"you're not wakatoshi-kun, and you never will be." he could almost see the heartbreak through goshiki's eyes at his words, but he knew what he was doing.

"you're tsutomu goshiki - the future ace of shiratorizawa. you are an amazing player, but you're not wakatoshi-kun. you're your own player, you are your own person. you amaze me everyday with your skills, even though you're so young. you're so talented, goshiki-kun. please don't ever compare yourself to wakatoshi-kun, because you don't need to." 

tears bottled, and some fell, from goshiki's eyes as he absorbed the praise he was getting. "y-you mean it?" he sniffed, his hands fisted.

"of course i do. be your own person, live your own life. turn yourself into a player that fulfills your dreams, i believe in you."

tendou ran, as fast he could. his breaths were heavy, his vision was hazy, his legs were screaming. but his mind was perfectly clear, fixated on one thing and one thing only.

find wakatoshi.

running up the stairs had his stomach hurling, he hated running, but for this, he would sprint for miles. for this one chance he knew his confidence would never let him do again, he would run to the moon if he had to. this felt like the time he ran to make up with eita, only this time his heart was leaping beyond comprehension. he was going to do it.

he was going to tell wakatoshi how he felt.

_"be your own person, live your own life. turn yourself into a player that fulfills your own dreams."_

his dream meant the world to him, but he didn't know if he could survive them without wakatoshi in the picture.

arriving at wakatoshi's door, tendou dusted down his clothes, raked his fingers through his hair, and checked his breath. this was it. this was the moment his life would change, hopefully for the better.

"satori-kun?"

tendou had to catch his breath before he could speak, his eyes locked onto wakatoshis' as his hand rested on his chest. he was ready, he knew he was.

"i…" he panted, trying to find the right words. the words that would make sense to wakatoshi.

"are you okay?" he asked, his voice beautifully deep and groggy.

"i like you. i really fucking like you." he whispered, his lips lifting to a smile. "i like everything about you, wakatoshi-kun." 

"i see. thank you. i like you too, satori-kun."

"no," he shook his head, his hands reaching to fist wakatoshi's shirt. he pushed the two of them inside and closed the door behind him so that nobody would see them. "not like that."

"i don't underst-"

tendou bravely cut him off with a kiss, a kiss that expressed everything he felt, everything he couldn't describe with words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS THIS IS THE SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER ENJOY IT WHILE U CAN 🥺🥺


	10. lifetime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is guys,, the last chapter :(( 
> 
> uhh btw anything in italics is a video,, and some things may be inaccurate bc i haven't read the post timeskip part of the manga yet !!

tendou pulled out a box of his old tapes from behind the tv and sat down on the sofa. he smiled, looking at all the old memories in the box.

"what's that?" wakatoshi asked, before sitting down next to him and wrapping his arm around tendou's shoulders. 

"video tapes, wanna watch?" he lifted his brows in anticipation, wanting to watch them with wakatoshi.

"the ones you took in high school?"

"yeah and a little while after that." 

"okay," wakatoshi returned his eager smile, the both of them wanting to reminisce about their old memories in high school - when everything felt so much easier.

tendou jolted up from the sofa and crawled towards the tv, plugging in his old camera and attaching the tape inside it. he took a crawl back, waiting for the tv to connect to the camera and when it did, he went and sat back next to wakatoshi.

_ "it's november 11th, 2011! and it's eita's birthday, so today me and the team have organised a little surprise for when semisemi goes into his dorm room."  _

tendou laughed, "this was before you moved, wakatoshi-kun. i remember we pulled them party poppers when eita came in his room, and he was so scared he- oh it's coming! watch watch watch!"

_ "he's coming guys shush shush." reon whispered, quietening everyone down. _

_ "three...two...one...happy birthday eita-kun!" everyone cheered together, popping the party poppers.  _

_ eita fell on the floor at the noise, covering his ears. everyone burst into laughter at the sight, even catching a few tears in his eyes. _

tendou leaned his head against wakatoshi's shoulder, sighing while he remembered how much fun he had during high school. "let's play the next one."

_ "hi! it's january 3rd, 2012, and it's snowing like crazy! semisemi, hold the camera so i can show it." _

_ the camera panned out as tendou shrunk in the scene. he stomped on the snow, kicked it, made a snow angel, and then he threw a snowball at the camera. _

_ "oi! you're gonna pay for that, you dickhead!" eita yelled, carefully placing the camera on the ground. the footage only caught his footsteps running, his hands gathering snow, the sound of it hitting tendou and their boisterous laughter. _

"you seemed really happy," wakatoshi smiled, his thumb rubbing circles on tendou's shoulder.

"i was." and the only reason he was happy throughout high school was because of eita, and wakatoshi once he arrived. eita was definitely one of the best people tendou had ever met in his life. 

_ "so, future satori, it is april 6th, 2012. and i'm mad."  _

tendou froze, remembering what the video was about. "maybe we shouldn't-"

"no, i want to see. this is when i first joined shiratorizawa." wakatoshi cut him off, his eyes glued to the screen.

_ "so it's supposed to be my first day back at high school, and the stupid head teacher has already got me babysitting some tall guy from canada." tendou said, with frustration very clear in his tone and expression. _

"see? i wasn't very nice when we first met. this'll only upset you."

"it's okay," wakatoshi chuckled, "it'll be funny."

_ "i don't even remember his name, so i've made up one: olive boy. that's because his hair and eyes are literally the same colour as olives. how does that even happen? whose eye and hair colour is the exact same colour? anyway, he's really tall and well built, but he's really quiet. like he doesn't even speak..at all! i don't know maybe it's because he's new and scared, but all the girls are staring at him, like, shouldn't he just be friends with them?"  _

wakatoshi laughed and threw his head back at the old tendou's poor logic. 

_ "also, he's, like, amazing at volleyball. i have a feeling he's gonna get scouted for some big ass team because his strength is just out of this world! it kinda sucks, though, like this guy has everything i don't." _

wakatoshi brought his lips to tendou's cheek and gave him a peck, before whispering against it, "i hope you don't feel like that anymore."

tendou laughed and laid his head in the nape of wakatoshi's neck, "no, of course i don't." he breathed in his strong cologne, before lifting his head back up to watch the next tape.

_ "hey, it's semi eita here." _

tendou furrowed his brows, not remembering ever letting eita touch his camera.

_ "i know this is for future satori, and his future wife and kids and grandkids, so i just wanted to give you a different type of video that satori wouldn't usually give." _

"wife and kids?" wakatoshi teased. he'd gotten better at understanding jokes and even telling jokes himself over the years, with tendou teaching him and even taking him to conversation therapy. 

"shush," the redhead slapped wakatoshi's chest slightly, "that was before..you."

_ "so i'm gonna give you a little sneak peak of his daily life. i don't know how long it'll be until he notices i'm filming him, but let's try."  _

_ the next few scenes were just eita secretly recording tendou: in their shared dorm room, in lesson, in the cafeteria, even in the toilet.  _

_ "this next scene is 18 and over, so satori's kids, you all better look away," he whispered, before zooming in on tendou taking a piss. _

"oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with this guy?!" tendou grabbed the camera to change the tape immediately. even if wakatoshi had already seen every part of his body, this was just disgusting.

_ the next tape started with tendou under the covers of his blanket, sniffling and crying. his breaths were shaky and his hands were trembling as they rubbed at his eyes.  _

_ "uh.." he breathed out, unsure of what to say. "i don't usually film times like these, but i'm not crying for a bad reason so i thought, why not share it?" rolling up his sleeve, tendou revealed the bracelet that wakatoshi had given him for his birthday. "can you see it? it has my initials on it. i can't believe ushijima bought me this. even after i.." he had to straighten out his breathing. "he's just so..different. i've never met anyone like him before. he goes from really weird to..this. you know what else happened?"  _

"our first kiss," they both said in unison, before looking at each other and smiling. 

"why did you cry after our kiss?" wakatoshi asked, as the old tendou on the screen continued to waffle about their kiss.

"it was good tears, i was happy. that was my first ever kiss, and i was so happy i got to share it with you." tendou lifted his hand to wakatoshi's cheek, before sitting up to press his lips against his lover's.

they exchanged a kiss that seemed so familiar, a part of their daily routine. their lips moved together, accustomed to each others' movements. their lips were like jigsaw pieces, and when they fit together, it was ethereal. parting, they stared at each other lovingly, like they were the only people that mattered in the moment.

it was funny how far they'd come.

_ "hey guys!" tendou giggled, slinging his arm around wakatoshi's who shared his grin.  _

"i remember this," wakatoshi smiled, interlacing his fingers with tendou's fervently. the latter narrowed his eyes on their fingers, relishing in how easy their life had become. they had went from tendou panicking about being picked on had he gotten closer to wakatoshi - to them dating happily and living together in an apartment. 

_ "say hi." he prodded. _

_ "it's just a camera, satori-kun." he pointed at it with a confused look. _

_ "yeah, but it's for memories! just do it." he whispered. _

_ "uh hello." he smiled awkwardly, which drew out a laugh from tendou.  _

_ they were both hiding under a blanket, the scenery a little dark but their childish giggles were loud and clear. tendou couldn't keep his hands off of wakatoshi's lap, couldn't stop the crinkles around his eyes, couldn't stop the smile on his face. _

_ "so," tendou clasped his hands together, "today is a very special day."  _

_ "i want to say it." wakatoshi pursed his lips nervously, keeping his eyes on the camera rather than tendou.  _

_ "okay," tendou laughed, rubbing his hand along wakatoshi's back soothingly to calm him down.  _

_ wakatoshi slouched at tendou's touch and smiled very subtly, still not looking at him. his gaze circled around the small area they were in, as his index finger drew shapes on his thigh. "well… me and tendou are-" _

_ "dating!" tendou whisper shouted, unable to keep his excitement inside of him. _

_ the taller boy knitted his brows and frowned, "i wanted to say it." he complained like a little baby. _

_ tendou threw his head back, before leaning in towards wakatoshi's face. "yeah?" he said, laughing audibly.  _

_ "yeah."  _

_ wakatoshi's smile grew as tendou brought his hand to his neck and twisted his head. his chest lifted slowly, and the redhead giggled before planting a kiss on his cheek. he then moved his head to kiss the other, before getting embarrassed and nuzzling his forehead into the space between wakatoshi's head and shoulder.  _

_ "your hair smells nice, satori-kun." _

_ "shut up."  _

tendou turned to look at his lover. seeing them get embarrassed over little kisses, and giggling at silly compliments, reminded tendou of his journey. of how he and wakatoshi grew together. of the challenges he had to face to be able to sit with him right now in a shared apartment.

"hey," tendou spoke up.

"hm?"

"wanna watch the videos from after high school? like that weird time between school and uni," tendou asked, wanting to watch the avalanche that was. 

"satori-kun, that wasn't really a fun time." wakatoshi frowned, remembering the obstacles they had to overcome. 

"i know, but it's not like i got all that stuff on video. i did get some of the crying, though," he scoffed, shaking his head with a smile. wakatoshi still had a worried look on his face, so tendou resorted to another option: puppy dog eyes. tendou's eyes were already round, but he had a way of making them rounder, a way to make them glisten under the light bulb, a way that he knew made wakatoshi melt. "please?" 

wakatoshi sighed: he completely fell for the look. "okay."

_ tendou looked around frantically, making sure nobody was there to see him. "okay, i have to make this quick. it's, uh, october 14th 2013." he whispered, cupping his lips with a hand. "i'm about to tell my parents that...i'm not moving to paris for college."  _

this was one of the biggest sacrifices tendou made for wakatoshi. he had always dreamed of going to a university in france, which is why he took the time out of his life to study the language. but once realising that would mean the end of his relationship with wakatoshi, he put it on hold. he figured he'd learn the arts of chocolotier-ing and bakery in japan and move to paris later. 

_ the clip cut to tendou on his family's dining table. he had a weary look wavered on his face as he drawled out his words.  _

_ "uh, so i have something to say." he rubbed his ear against his shoulder uncomfortably.  _

_ his dad snorted, "well, you couldn't have made it any more obvious with the camera, couldn't you?"  _

_ his mum hit his dad's hand softly, before smiling at her son. "what is it darling?" she asked. _

_ tendou gulped, his nervousness very clear in how slow his movements were. "well… you know how i'm supposed to be going away for college." his eyes darted between his parents as he played with the chopsticks in his right hand.  _

_ "mhm, my little boy's all grown up." she clasped her hands together and looked at him proudly. _

_ "it took us a while to come around," his dad spoke to the camera with a finger animating his words, "but, you know what i finally realised? it was that you have to let-" _

_ "i'm not going anymore." tendou shut his eyes, not prepared to see the look on his parents' faces when they heard what he said. an apprehensive silence draped over the table, looming over tendou's head as he lost the colour to his face in fear his parents would scream at him.  _

_ "i...i don't understand," his mum tumbled over her words.  _

_ "satori. me and your mother put everything into getting you into that college. how dare you throw all of our hard work away." his dad spoke with an underlying threat to his words. _

_ tendou rubbed his drapey hand across his face, before sighing audibly. "i still wanna go paris, just not right now." _

_ "but baby, you hate it here! i don't get it! all your life all you've wanted to do is run away!" _

_ tendou beamed. _

and the tendou watching knew exactly why. 

_ "i found a reason to stay."  _

_ his mum picked up on it straight away...well, kind of. "a girl?!" she gasped, tears forming in her eyes. "are you telling me my baby finally found himself a girlfriend?!"  _

_ tendou's chest rose hesitantly, "yeah..kinda." he held back a grin, messing with the chopsticks in his hands.  _

_ "so you're saying the only reason you want to stay here and ruin your chance of an amazing opportunity, which, by the way, you worked for for years; is just because you what? fell in love?" his dad ranted, visibly annoyed.  _

_ "oh stop it! he's happy!" she cried. "when's the last time you heard him talk about anyone other than eita-kun? i'm," she got up from her seat and pulled tendou up to bring him into her warm, loving hold, "so so happy for you baby." _

"but i'm not a girl," wakatoshi furrowed his brows, looking at tendou with both confusion and a little bit of disbelief. 

tendou laughed, "well, couldn't really ruin the mood by telling my parents i was bi, could i?" 

the word 'bi' also brought along another string of memories. memories of tendou staying up late at night, searching in his mind - and his heart - to find himself, to understand himself. it came after awhile - the word 'bisexual' after a long conversation with eita. and it made him happy that he could finally label the feelings and emotions that had been both haunting him and blessing him for years. 

"well, i did."

"do you remember what it was like?"

"yes." wakatoshi's eyes glossed over his calloused hands before he rested his head against the top of the sofa and gazed at the ceiling. "i told my mother in person, i will never forget the way she looked at me."

tendou knew this story off by heart, but he would never stop listening to it, because he knew wakatoshi liked to speak about it. even if it was absolutely heart-wrenching.

"she looked like she was disgusted of me. i remember her crying, saying that she had failed to look after me and that she should never have sent me to a boarding school. she said i was confused because..my parents split up?" everytime wakatoshi said this story, no matter how many times, he could never understand where his mum was coming from.

"but with my father." his eyes lit up and a smile sat on his face. "even if it was just over the phone, it was still better than my mother's reaction. he laughed. he was happy. that was the first time i could tell somebody was happy without them having to tell me, and it was amazing. he didn't even say much, he didn't need to, he was supportive." 

wakatoshi rarely spoke this much, which is another reason why tendou always chose to sit through this story. he loved the way his pupils enlargened, the way his olive eyes sparkled, the way his lips lifted into such a beautiful small smile.

"i love you," tendou muttered under his breath, before freezing entirely. he'd never said that before. 

wakatoshi brought his head back up and stared at tendou expressionless. "huh?"

"i love you." the words fell from his lips before he could even process them.

wakatoshi fell silent, his eyes examining tendou's. his breathing was steady, his face was still and his eyes were empty. did he not love him back? tendou had always thought they had an unspoken connection, a silent love, an untold desire to be together forever. but what if that wasn't the case? what if wakatoshi didn't plan on loving him forever? what if he thought this was only for a few years? what if-

"i love you too." his stoic expression broke out into such a wide smile. a smile tendou had never seen in his life. all wakatoshi could ever manage to do was lift his lips subtly, he only ever grinned, or pursed his lips upwards. but this? he was glowing with pure happiness - pure love. and it was all for tendou. 

tendou couldn't help but falter and tear up as he released a breath of air he didn't even know was being held captive in his throat. "i love you, i love you so much." he cried, rubbing at his eyes. 

"i love you too." he replied again, this time bringing his toned, veiny hand behind tendou's locks and pulling him towards him. "i love you too." he whispered against his lips, before bringing him into a kiss.

a kiss that would mark the beginning of their lifetime together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and it's done :(( thank u all so much for reading this fic and going through the journey with me !! i hope i have fed u well !<3
> 
> oh n if i don't reply to your comment it's cos ao3 isn't letting me ??? i can see them all tho !


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